CJ STANDER DOES not want your pity. “I experienced that after the World Cup,” he says, pausing for effect. “That was the worst part.”
He came home from Japan, where Ireland had failed to live up to expectations, sensed something was wrong but couldn’t figure out precisely what it was.
So he went for a walk down the street. People greeted him, “feeling sorry for me” and that was when he knew he had to investigate things a little further. By now, the issue of losing a World Cup quarter-final had been relegated into second place.
Something deeper was going on. Trolls had abused his wife, Jean-Marié, on social media. “I would not say I am living in a dream-world but suddenly if people are feeling sorry for you, you don’t know what’s (going on),” Stander says, before pausing again, drawing a deep breath, keeping his eyes down, his head forward. He speaks on. “As a player, you try your best on the pitch. You try for the lads around you.
“I do a job that is out there. People need to judge me. I get that. You do a job on a Saturday and it’s a job where people scrutinise your performance. That is fair. You just have to handle that. But as soon as you take on a man’s family.”
He shakes his head, looks up and goes again.
“For me it is tough when people start attacking your family on social media because I believe that if you take on a man’s wife and you can’t do it in front of him then …. mmmm, there is a line there that you step over. That might be my South African side coming through. But that raises a hair on my neck.”
Did the abuse happen during the World Cup?
“My wife was trying to hide it but when I got back (from Japan) I saw that it had impacted (her) a little bit. But she is a strong woman. I think she handled it well. She can stand up for herself. She didn’t study law for nothing. She is a tough one. That is why I like her.”
There’s no point wasting your time searching for an excuse to try and justify this type of behaviour.
The context is this. Everyone has dreams in life. Stander grew up wanting to be a rugby player, Jean-Marié hoping to be a lawyer. But what type of person dreams of turning into a troll? And how does that notion become a reality? How do they transfer their anger, possibly their self-loathing, into an action where they go to their phone or keyboard, pick out a stranger and decide this is someone they want to vent their anger at?
How do those people feel now reading this? Does it make them embarrassed or ashamed? Will it make them think twice about doing something like this again, not just to the Stander family but to anyone?
There’s an onus also on the rest of us – and not just those inhabiting this fanciful circle called the mainstream media. We now all know something hurtful was said to the Stander family. They’re South African by birth but have chosen to live here. They – and all visitors – are either made welcome by us or else the trolls are the winners.
This is the choice we face.
As for Stander, his primary concerns are a little more focused on beating Wales this Saturday in round two of the Six Nations. Since the World Cup, his position in the team has been questioned, his response coming last Saturday, when he won the man-of-the-match award against the Scots.
Being held to account is something that goes with the territory. He can handle it – ‘especially when other players are performing well in your position’. “Then it is fair, the scrutiny. There is always going to be someone saying that I could do stuff better. I accept that.”
Even the passionate outbursts from the terraces are acceptable, he says. “I understand all that, too, because I know where they are coming from,” he says. “I mean if I want the best for the team then (it’s logical that) people who support the team want the best, too. People are passionate and when the team doesn’t do well they surely think they have to voice their opinion.
“Life has changed. Social media got out there and everyone has an opinion. We probably need to deal with it differently and not let it have an impact on you. But sometimes it touches close to home and then it gets tough.”
As a project player, he’s asked if he feels more likely to be the recipient of a backlash but doesn’t necessarily feel this is the case, accepting that some people may not like the rule (whereby he became eligible to play for Ireland on the back of being resident here for three years). “I do speak to other guys (project players such as Bundee Aki).
“And didn’t Bundee get a lot of slack as well? It’s something that we take in and then when guys perform on the pitch like Bundee did at the weekend, you look at it again and just laugh about it on a Sunday morning.”
The biggest laugh, however, came at his expense. Another troll called him ‘fat’ last week. “That was a funny one,” he says.
“Look, it’s like this, every time I play, I always feel that I have got a point to prove. It is just the way of the game. If you have one or two bad appearances (performances) or one or two bad moments in a game then people will suddenly ask for you to be axed and to be out the door. You get told you are getting old. I see someone called me fat as well during the week. That’s quite interesting.
“Look, for me personally, I want to give everything for this team when I can. I have learned in this game, and I have said this a lot, you never know when your last game is coming around. I’ll always give everything.”
Will he ever change? Fat chance of that.
