You arrive at your new club to be unveiled to the adoring fans. What are you thinking?
Craig Halkett/PA Archive/Press Association Images
"Once a Blue always a... No, that's not it."
"I have no idea what any of these people are saying."
"It has always been my boyhood dream to play for this club."
"I thought Wigan was in London, no?"
What do you sing as your initiation song?
Gareth Brooks. Obviously.
I'll get my interpreter to sing a tune popular in my country.
Ed Sheeran is the epitome of cool for me, Jeff.
I'll fight any man that tries to make me sing. But Wonderwall is good.
Jim White texts you from the Sky Sports studio. You...
Ask who Jim White is and how he got your number.
Send back a couple of emoticons. Lol.
Text him back to tell him the deal is done. Then sit down to watch SSN.
Your agent rings one of his two phones to discuss the deal live on air.
How do you arrive at the ground?
Chopper in live on telly.
In the back of a blacked-out SUV
You fly into Heathrow on a long-haul flight.
The manager drives you up the motorway and rings ahead to tell them warm the fax up.
Your agent phones you to say there’s been a late big money offer from an unglamourous Russian club . Do you?
Shout 'show me the money' down the phone
Ask one of your acolytes to look Russia up on a map
Instruct your agent to tell the papers you hate the club you’re currently at, the manager's a clown, the food's awful and the women are ugly
It was your childhood dream to play for Rotor Volgograd
On SSN, fans are gathering outside the ground. The mood is?
Mixed/slightly cold.
Relaxed
Confused.com
Party-time
The deal is trending on Twitter. But what's the hashtag?
#mercenary
#johnnyforeigner
#wasteofmoney
#coup
Gareth Copley/PA Archive/Press Association Images
You scored out of !
Wayne Rooney
You're a simple local lad who wants to do his talking on the pitch.
Sean Dempsey/PA Archive/Press Association Images
You scored out of !
Carlos Tevez
You may have no idea what I'm saying, but this will be fun.
You scored out of !
Robbie Keane
It's not deadline day if you're not in the back of a manager's car on the M1.
Eamonn and James Clarke/Eamonn and James Clarke/EMPICS Enter
You scored out of !
Robinho
Give me the bag of wonga. You're luck I'm gracing your crappy club with my presence.
