IT’S THE GREATEST telly day of the year, so who better to advise you of the highlights than @NotTheRTEGuide?
06:00 RTÉ 2 The No Fro-Zone: Prepare yourself for the long day of Frozen and Frozen-related activities ahead with this two hour space in which no one mentions Let It Go, or Olaf, or even the concept of things being cold.
08:00 RTÉ 2 The Big Christmas Present Swap: Children are given the chance to swap all of their presents for the contents of one of two boxes. Box One contains Taylor Swift tickets and an Elsa doll. Box Two contains Ivan Yates’s autobiography.
Warning: Contains scenes of mild peril and distraught children holding Ivan Yates’s autobiography.
10:00 RTÉ 2 Ho Ho Hozier: International megastar Hozier sings maudlin versions of your favourite Christmas carols while looking uncomfortable in a Santa hat.
11:30 RTÉ One Christmas Mass: “…and let us pray for everyone that has to work on Christmas day, priests for instance,” says Father Costello, passing around a hat that he’s put a few euro in already to get the ball rolling.
13:00 RTÉ 2 The Year In Beyoncé Gifs: All of the year’s top stories revisited through the medium of Beyoncé gifs.
14:00 RTÉ One The President’s Christmas Piggyback: One lucky citizen gets to carry Michael D. Higgins on his traditional Christmas Phoenix Park walkabout, stopping whenever the president sees an interesting tree or a cloud that looks like a fox.
15:00 RTÉ One The Queen’s Speech: Miriam O’Callaghan takes time out from doing a perfect Christmas dinner for her family of eighty to deliver an inspirational, yet warm-hearted and relatable speech, all completely live of course. And what are you doing? Slumped on the sofa, covered in crumbs or worse. You’ve let Miriam down. Yes, you.
15:30 RTÉ One The Big Christmas Movie – Shaky Camcorder Copy Of Guardians Of The Galaxy
17:00 RTÉ 2 Nap Time: Sleep off your dinner as soothing shapes undulate softly to the music of Brian Eno.
18:00 RTÉ One The Angelus: Recreation of the first Angelus when the shepherds rang their bells at the baby Jesus until Mary begged them to stop.
18:01 RTÉ One SixOne News: The Christmas newsreaders hope to Jesus that they don’t have to deliver any tragic news today after the producer thinks it’ll be great fun for them to dress up as Olaf and Elsa from Frozen.
19:00: TV3 2014 Was Horrible: All your favourite TV3 celebrities and Martin King try to find something positive that happened this year but quickly lapse into depressed silence punctuated with anguished sobs.
20:00 RTÉ One: Mary Christmas: Mary Kennedy and Mary Wilson talk to Mary Robinson and Mary McAleese while Mary Kingston makes next year’s decorations out of discarded wrapping paper. With music by Mary Black, Mary Byrne, and Mary Coughlan.
21:00 TV3 Sleigh Bae: Sexy people go for a sleigh ride and you’re not invited.
21:30 RTÉ One Sinatra & Tubs: Ryan Tubridy duets with a hologram of Frank Sinatra on his favourite swinging Xmas tunes. The hologram looks embarrassed.
23:00 TV3 Vincent, It’s Cold Outside: Vincent Browne tries to convince Mary Louise O’Donnell to come into TV3 to review tomorrow’s papers with him but she’s having none of it.
00:00 TV3 Real Girls All Over Ireland Are Wearing Comfy New Pyjamas and Spending Time With Their Families
