PANIC ATTACKS CAN come out of nowhere and hit you like a tonne of bricks.
Anxiety and stress greatly increase your chances of having a panic attack. They are terrifying. You feel like you are dying.
When I first started having panic attacks I had no idea what was going on, each time I would collapse and blackout. I have woken up in an ambulance and on one particular occasion where I collapsed waiting for a bus, I came to in a puddle on the side of the road.
A taxi man very kindly pulled up beside me, rang an ambulance and sat me up in his car.
I started having them while I was in school, at the time I had also been very sick and had my appendix removed. After a while the attacks seemed to ease off but I was still none the wiser as to what was wrong with me.
They increased again during my first pregnancy.
Anxiety at an all-time high
I was 21, living on my own in Dublin when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend lived in Wicklow and my parents and siblings were in Galway. I had only been in my new job a short while and I was absolutely terrified. My anxiety was at an all-time high and I ended up in hospital at 10 weeks suffering excruciating stomach pains. The doctor said he thought I was miscarrying.
At the hospital they did a scan, the baby was fine, they couldn’t find a cause for the pain. I stayed in for a week while they did tests but they found nothing. I returned to work and tried to get on with things, but I was so afraid something bad was going to happen to my baby.
I collapsed at my desk and ended up in hospital where after weeks of tests it was concluded that I had a panic disorder.
I never knew such a thing existed, I always knew I was a worrier but I had no idea that panic attacks could affect you physically. The all-consuming paralysing fear takes over and it is very hard to fight it off.
I was signed off from work as the doctors felt it best to reduce my stress as more collapses would have been harmful to my baby and myself and they didn’t want to start me on any medication while I was pregnant.
Afraid to leave the house
I became afraid of the panic attacks, afraid that if I left the house I would have one and collapse.
I got through my pregnancy and a traumatising birth and I thought that I would feel better – but now I had a baby relying on me. That paralysing fear crept in again. I was afraid to leave the house, what if I collapsed while we were out and the buggy rolled away?
Terrifying scenarios played out in my head. I found it hard to breathe. I spent a lot of days inside with my baby lying on the bed or floor with her. I soon realised that this wasn’t normal and that I needed help.
My doctor sent me to counselling and I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. It helped, they took the edge off. But they didn’t solve the problem.
You need to face your fears to get past them. After a year I came off the tablets and even though I was terrified the collapses would return, I worked through it; I had to be strong for my child and strong for myself, so I would force myself to get out of the house and smile and talk to people, when I got home I would be exhausted but happy that I got out.
I went on to have another baby, during this pregnancy I did collapse occasionally but the fallout from the attacks wasn’t as severe as before. I was learning how to get through them. Breathing is important; focus on your breathing.
I found it difficult to face people every day
I still didn’t get out of the house too often as now having two children I felt more overwhelmed.
When my eldest started school I found it very hard having to face people everyday. If you have never suffered from anxiety you will find it hard to understand, but it was mentally draining and exhausting putting on a smile and pretending like you are perfectly fine when inside you are struggling to breathe.
You are trying to focus on your kids and be present in the conversation, all the time pretending like everything is fine.
It has gotten easier to manage, slowly over time. The anxiety never goes away, the threat of a panic attack never goes away, but I have learned how to manage and cope with them when it all becomes too much.
You can’t let anxiety and fear hold you back, you have to get out there and live your life. Things do get better when you accept that, yes, I have anxiety, but no I’m not going to let it define me.
With help I was able to recognise when an attack was starting and how to avoid it, so here are some helpful tips if you feel a panic attack coming on.
(Note: if you think you are suffering from panic attacks, please do visit your doctor.)
Sara Delmer lives in Wicklow with her partner and two daughters. She writes a personal/parenting blog called Where is my Mind.
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