IT HAS NEVER been a better time to be a sports fan than it is today. Almost every game in every sport is televised, the explosion of online sites mean sports coverage has increased exponentially and Twitter allows you to get instant updates on whatever sporting matter piques your interest.
But it isn’t enough. The constantly shapeshifting iPhone app world of Candy Crush and Flappy Bird has a sports-shaped hole in it that we aim to fill. We have come up with seven sporting apps so innovative and groundbreaking, that you never even knew you needed them.
BeardWatch
The last few years has seen sports fans get more and more obsessed with the state of great sporting beards. How did Gordan D’Arcy play last weekend? Who cares, just give me another gallery showing off his thick and lustrous beard.
With BeardWatch, you can finally get instant updates on sporting beards from all over the world from your D’Arcy to your Roy Keane to your Andrea Pirlo. D’Arcy changes to a new beard oil – you get a buzz in your pocket followed by the custom update tone of BEARDWATCH (to be said in this gravelly voice from the old movie trailers).
You will then be able to see what alterations the Wexfordian has made to his chin mane. BeardWatch is the only app you will ever need for facial hair updates.
English Player Price Converter
It can be tough if you are constantly sending out CVs only to be rejected time and time again by employers. It is easy to get downbeat when you feel that your talent is not being rewarded. But fret no longer!
With the EPPC, you enter your skill set and experience and your credentials are converted into how much money you would be worth if you were an English Premier League player.
A few years at a small company followed by a two years at a larger business? Congrats, you are worth Adam Lallana’s £25 million. Even a 40-year-old stay at home son would fetch Ricky Lambert’s £4m fee, ensuring everyone has a spring in their step as they tackle their next challenge.
The Jose Voice Converter
A few years back, some evil, evil individual created an iPhone app called Talking Tom Cat, where people could speak into the phone and this hideous stray cat would repeat it in a shrill voice.
This is basically a repackaging of that except your phrases will be repeated in the soothing Iberian tone of The Special One. Who wouldn’t want to sound like this?
If nothing else, you could use it to get your significant other in the mood.
ACCESSORIES NEEDED: Cashmere coat.
Relative Obscurity
Ever wondered what happened to your random childhood sporting heroes? Well, with Relative Obscurity, wonder no more! For the low, low price of €1, Relative Obscurity will give you the chance to ask your obscure heroes one question to which they have to answer.
Were you ever curious how Leinster legend Cameron Jowitt maintained such a shiny and vibrant head of hair while poaching this try against Toulouse?
Would you like to ask Irish-American one-game wonder Joe Lapira how it felt to be capped by Steve Staunton?
Surely you would like to quiz Rich Beem on how he held off Tiger Woods to win the 2002 PGA Championship?
These are just some of the now-irrelevant athletes who will be just a fingertip away when a media mogul hires a private detective to track down all of these people and pay them €2 per question.
Ffinder
Ffinder (pronounced efffinder) is the anti-Tinder/Grinder for sports fans. Picture this scene: a Dublin fan is walking home after losing to Donegal in the All-Ireland semi-final (a ridiculous scenario I know but just roll with it). He wants to avoid the taunting of any Donegal fans on the way back to his apartment so he types that specification into Ffinder.
A few beeps and boops later and our fan now has a detailed map of all the Donegal fans in the area, allowing him to sneak home without getting a slagging.
The only qualm would be Millwall fans using the app to arrange huge Green Street style fights with West Ham fans. But why let a few bad eggs spoil an omelette?
What Would Andrea Pirlo Do?
And the love in continues. The man crush between football fans and Andrea Pirlo has become so intense that this app seems like the only logical step. A team of behavioral scientists have typed every aspect of Andrea Pirlo into a detailed A.I engine designed to recreate his personality inside of this app.
Now you have your own personal Pirlo, who is just as comfortable waxing lyrical with you on the merits of a holding midfielder as he in giving you style tips for your big date. Next time you are facing an existential crisis and wonder aloud “What would Andrea Pirlo do?”, fish your phone out of your pocket and ask him yourself (Probably 2020 at the earliest). Just look at what you could achieve.
Brandy Crush
One of the funnest five minutes you can spend is typing “Andre the Giant drinking” into Google and just marveling at the prodigious guzzling feats of the man mountain.
But what if you wanted to compare Andre the Giant’s tolerance with that of his modern day contemporary, the Big Show? With Brandy Crush, you now have an exhaustive list of the largest quantity of alcohol every professional athlete has ever put away at one sitting (the data was gathered through what was meant to be an “anonymous survey” that the creators later made “unanonymous”).
Victor Matfield and Bakkies Botha formed a formidable second row partnership with South Africa, but wouldn’t you be intrigued to find out who could drink more tankards of Castle Lager?
What sporting apps would you love to see in existence?
