Skip to content
This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you agree to the use of cookies. You can change your settings or learn more here.

Your ultimate comic book 5-a-side football team

From Gordon Stewart to Billy ‘Boots’ Dane, these boys would take some beating.
Aug 10th 2013, 10:00 AM 3,116 7

LAST WEEK WE took a look at some of the life lesson’s today’s footballers could learn from the legendary Roy of the Rovers.

Well it turns out a lot of you liked the article and were quick to tweet and email some of  your own favourite cartoon footballers.

With that in mind, we decided to put together the five best players from our favourite comics for the next office 5-a-side and, well, it’s a pretty tasty team.

Gordon StewartThe Safest Hands in Soccer

Image: Wikipedia

Yes, believe it or not, that’s the only image of Gordon Stewart we could find on the whole of the internet and it’s in German.

Stewart was an unfathomably good ‘keeper capable of stopping anything the opposition could fire at him; he was the ying to Massimo Taibi’s yang.

Stewart’s luck appeared to stem from Fred, the toy skeleton he kept in his glove bag but, sadly, Fred was no help when the goalie died in a plane crash off the coast of Brazil in 1982.

Johnny Dexter - The Hard Man

Image: Roy of the Rovers

Dexter was a hardman by any definition.

An unbreakable iron rod for Danefield United, his tough tackling and fiery temper means he wouldn’t last 90 seconds in today’s game.

In later years, Dexter would provide much needed cover for Roy Race’s leaky Melchester Rovers defence.

Kevin MouseMighty Mouse

Image: Wikipedia

Not your typical footballer by any means, Kevin Mouse made Wayne Rooney look like Kate Moss.

A prodigious talent, Mouse had the ability to turn on a ha’penny and his shots swerved like he’d kicked a plastic orange Cup Champion football.

Undoubtedly the brains of the outfit, what made Mouse so special was the fact he was only a part time footballer who was also studying to be a doctor.

Billy DaneBilly’s Boots

Image: Lewstringer

The youngest member of the squad, Billy Dane was actually really, really bad at football.

However, after finding Dead Shot Keen’s old boots in his Granny’s attic, Dane turned into a wunderkind capable of footballing feats that make Messi look like Joe Allen.

Dane comes with a caveat though. He’s forever losing those magic boots and we’re not sure those studs are even allowed any more.

Hamish BalfourHot Shot Hamish

Image: International Hero

Standing at 6’10″, the Scottish giant possessed the balance of a ballerina and power of a pneumatic drill.

Alongside Mighty Kevin Mouse, the former caber tosser was almost impossible to stop when he put his mind to football.

His bare midriff isn’t for everyone but his bravery – he once single-handedly held up an entire stand full of people to stop it collapsing – is unquestionable.

Roy RaceRoy of the Rovers

Image: The Inside Left

Every team needs a strong manager and there are few who’ve been through more than Race.

Surviving bombs, kidnapping and shootings, Race was the ultimate pro as both player and manager.

Any manager who can convince Spandau Ballet’s Martin Kemp to sign for their football club must be a fine leader of men.

Join’s Premier League Fantasy Football League using this code: 800052-191374

Blackjack, biscuits and ‘getting rid of Paulie’: Munster players answer the BIG questions

It’s Your Unbridled Sporting Joy Picture of the Day

Send a tip to the author

Steve O'Rourke


    Back to top