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Euro pop

Even better than the real thing: TheScore.ie’s Eurovision Song Contest 2013

In our alternative competition, Tommy Bowe, not Ryan Dolan, is carrying the hopes of a nation.

BONSOIR, GUTEN ABEND, good evening Europe!

Here are tonight’s contestants…

Russia – Andrei Arshavin (skip to 0:57)

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Our verdict: A god awful effort from the Arsenal outcast… although the crowd seemed to like it – Nul points

Ireland – Tommy Bowe

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Our verdict: Struggling with the words, the Ireland winger literally shouts out the chorus. Poor effort from the Ulster man - Un point

Spain – Pau Gasol

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Our verdict: La Lakers forward has clearly practiced long and hard, but his rendition of The Fray’s ‘How To Save A Life’ leaves a lot to be desired - Deux points

Germany – Franz Beckenbauer

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Our verdict: A solid team effort from Der Kaiser and the boys. A little old-fashioned for the judges’ liking though - Quatre points

France – Jo-Wilfried Tsonga

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Our verdict: A karaoke-esque performance of an overplayed song. Will no doubt be a hit with some viewers, however – Cinq points

Italy – National football team

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Our verdict: The Azzurri hit all the right notes with Gennaro Gattuso excelling during his solo effort – Six points

Norway – John Arne Riise and Morten Gamst Pedersen

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Our verdict: There’s a lot to be said about the additional autotune to hide the duet’s poor vocals. Bonus point for singing about healthy eating - Sept points

Great Britain – Bradley Wiggins featuring Paul Weller

YouTube credit: Chloe Brewer

Our verdict: Wiggo would struggle on his own but bringing in The Modfather was a masterstroke - Huit points

Holland – Ruud Gullit

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Our verdict: Backed up by Dutch reggae band Revelation Time, Ruud nails it - Dix points

Ukraine – Natalie Klitschko

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Our verdict: Mrs Vitali Klitscko has undoubtedly stolen the night with her performance of the Jennifer Rush 80s classic. Could well become a Eurovision classic, you know - Douze points (and winner of TheScore.ie’s Eurosong 2013)

Caption time: What are these 3 legends saying to each other tonight in Amsterdam?

This screaming female arm wrestler will scare the bejeepers out of you