FIRST OFF TODAY, it as with a heavy heart that the Departures Lounge finally bids adieu to Gervinho.
The player, whose name I’ve typed so many times next to an assortment of prospective clubs that the words have lost all meaning, has finally signed for Arsenal.
The club have pledged to keep hold of Samir Nasri, meaning Man United will sign the younger, fitter and balder replacement for Paul Scholes – Wesley Sneijder.
Another somewhat less talented United midfielder, Darron Gibson, may yet be staying with the club, despite other rumours to the contrary. The Ireland international wants £40,000-a-week whereas Sunderland are only offering him a petty £30,000-a-week. The cheek of them.
In fairness, it is hard to sympathise with Gibson, until you discover that Jimmy Bullard is asking for £45,000-a-week. Gibson seems relatively cheap by comparison.
Luka Modric, an infinitely more talented midfielder than Bullard, is finally set to overcome his chronic politeness and do what’s he’s been wanting to do since the season ended – hand in a transfer request.
Rumours that Daniel Levy has told Modric to stand in the naughty corner for a few hours have been unfounded.
If he does go, Harry Redknapp may well sign Scott Parker as his replacement. Yikes!
In other news, clubs continue to defy worldly logic, as Borussia Dortmund bid £9m for Nicklas Bendtner.
Liverpool will continue their policy of signing inferior teams’ best players, as they move for Leighton Baines.
They will also pay £20m for…. wait for it… Charles N’Zogbia, as inferior clubs continue their policy of selling their players at ridiculously excessive prices.
West Brom will sign Owen Hargreaves so long as he promises to stay fit – the chances of this actually happening are on a par with the possibility of hell freezing over.
And finally, if you haven’t heard already, the Beckhams have once again outdone themselves by naming their baby Harper Seven.
Read more: Wenger wants to keep Fabregas and Nasri, world gets very bored by the whole thing>