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If each of tonight's Best Picture nominees were a Premier League team, who would they be?

Why Gravity is the filmic equivalent of Arsenal and Manchester City are tantamount to 12 Years a Slave.

Dallas Buyers Club = Liverpool

Dallas

Inspired by a figurehead who was previously written off as out of his depth in the big leagues (Matthew McConaughey/Brendan Rodgers), they are belatedly being tipped to win, if not the big prize (The Premier League/Best Picture), some form of significant consolation that will silence the doubters for good (Best Actor/Champions League qualification).

Gravity = Arsenal

Ozil

Plenty of flashy effects have wowed audiences across the world, as they brought a level of innovation and technical skill to their field that has seldom been seen before. They invested heavily in a star name who seems to have suddenly gone missing (George Clooney/Mesut Ozil), while many question whether they have the substance to back up their unquestionably distinct and eye-catching style.

Her = Tottenham

Sherwood

Quirky, entertaining and unpredictable, though the definite outsider in their category. Their supremo (Tim Sherwood/Spike Jonze) is still relatively young and has some interesting ideas, though they still have yet to convince many that they are the real deal. However, they have been boosted by a notoriously erratic and unpredictable, though undoubtedly talented star, who has patently come good at the right time (Joaquin Phoenix/Emmanuel Adebayor).

Nebraska = Southampton

Nebraska

They’re hard not to like, given their limited budget and capability to spring a surprise when you’re least expecting it. Unfortunately though, they just don’t seem to have the star power and cutting edge to make a significant impact on proceedings, despite producing one of the best and most underrated performers of the season (Bruce Dern/Adam Lallana).

Philomena = Manchester United

Ferdinand

While having plenty of class at their disposal, their leading performers (Judi Dench/Rio Ferdinand) have perhaps seen better days, while they are unlikely to trouble the leading pack in the race for glory. That’s not to say there isn’t plenty of entertainment and comic value provided by the main cast (Steve Coogan/David Moyes) in this tear-jerker that doesn’t always seem as if it’s going to end well.

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12 Years a Slave = Manchester City

12 Years

Most people’s favourites for the big prize and it’s hard to argue that they wouldn’t be deserving winners largely thanks to a host of impressive contributions and their ability to produce several inspired moments throughout the drama. A number of outstanding star performers (Chiwetel Ejiofor/Sergio Aguero) have been backed by a fine supporting cast (Yaya Toure/Michael Fassbender), meaning they should prevail comfortably if everything pans out as expected.

The Wolf of Wall Street = Chelsea

Mourinho

Led by an experienced campaigner who possesses a highly impressive track record (Martin Scorsese/Jose Mourinho), along with the help of a less seasoned but equally consummate cohort (Terence Winter/Eden Hazard), they have been regularly condemned for their cynical outlook and the arrogant philosophy which they promulgate, while still certainly having the staying power necessary to compete with the big guns.

Captain Phillips = Everton

Hanks

Boasting a low-key primary figure (Paul Greengrass/Roberto Martinez) who has been lavished with praise for his impressive achievements while working under a strict budget (winning the FA Cup/United 93), they are perfectly efficient and functional while lacking that bit of class needed to triumph at the highest level. Yet they have still earned plenty of admirers for their unshowy, efficient style and the straightforward, old-fashioned values practiced by key operators within the project (Bill Kenwright/Tom Hanks).

American Hustle = Newcastle

Bale

While they have some impressive names on show (Christian Bale/Loic Remy), there is a definite sense that something’s missing, perhaps due to difficulties at the top echelons of the project. These hard-to-pin-down flaws are consequently highly likely to end their hopes of winning a major trophy, or any other form of consolation, in the process. Moreover, their glorification of utter chancers (Joe Kinnear/Irving Rosenfeld) is also significantly questionable.

(All pics via PA Images and YouTube)

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About the author:

Paul Fennessy

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