Updated at 16.34
1. “CONOR MCGREGOR HAS played down expectations ahead of his UFC 189 World Championship fight against Jose Aldo, saying he was just thankful to be getting a chance on such a big stage.”
RTÉ’s simple but inspired ‘Modest Conor McGregor just hoping to do his best’ will give you a laugh.
2. “The statue is due to be unveiled in June 2016 – the tenth anniversary of when Ashley Cole nearly ‘swerved off the road’ after hearing Arsenal were only offering him £55,000 a week – a move which led to him joining Chelsea.”
The Evening Standard on Arsenal and Chelsea’s decision to go ‘half-half’ on an Ashley Cole statue.
3.
Some fine photoshop skills there by Kilmacud Crokes GAA, as they announce ‘Ian Madigan’s shock return’.
4.
Owen Cowzer of The Irish Sun advertises ‘news’ of an Isle of Man team’s decision to join the League of Ireland.
5.
Glentoran FC suggest the Irish Cup Final will take place at the Aviva Stadium.
6. “It’s merely a precautionary thing. We have a great, young group of players here and as it stands currently we’re having to look to the U19s should we have any injuries or suspensions. I felt that as good as it is to call on the younger guys, there’s always room for a bit of experience within the squad.”
Derry City on how an injury crisis has forced their management to register as players.
7. “We have found that leaving livestock or other animals graze on surfaces used for sporting purposes can help the growth of the pitch and ensure that the surface can help it better withstand frequent usage over the course of a year,” the professor from Farmington University, USA commented.”
GAA.ie give you ‘GAA and Croke Park to use new pitch techniques’.
8. “After McGregor whipped his expectant audience into a frenzy as he took to the stage shared with defending champion Aldo and head of the UFC Dana White, he motioned to someone to ‘press play’.”
Waterford Whispers are on form with ‘Conor McGregor Burns Down Jose Aldo’s House As Mind Games Continue’.
9. “The Qatari FA is already making plans to ship in football fans from India and the Philippines to make up crowd numbers during qualifying.
“It would be a great embarrassment for us to play England in a qualifier in front of just a few hundred,” said Qatari head of infrastructure development Saed Bin Bakhanda.”
The Telegraph report that plans are in place for Qatar to be awarded a place in the Euro 2020 qualifiers.
10. “The interior of the guard uses tyre tread technology and grips accordingly, while the BMW signature kidney grille lies between the front incisors acting as an elegant respiration vent.”
BMW say they have produced a new line of mouth guards offering rugby players the same impact protection as their drivers.
11. “A spokesman for Mrs Merkel said: “Bring it on.””
The Economist reports that Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko has challenged Russian leader Vladimir Putin to a one-off judo match.
12. “With the end of the milk super levy today, the club have announced the purchase of 5 dairy cows which will bring in much needed funds from their milk production and also reduce costs as they will be grazing both pitches on a daily basis.”
Tullogher Rosbercon GAA claim they have signed “five dairy cows”.
And finally, one classic from the archives.
Hear any good April Fools’ gags? Let us know in the comments section below.
