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Dublin: 10°C Wednesday 12 May 2021

Celebrity bagmen: our alternative caddies for America’s Ryder Cup team

How is Bertie going to get to Medinah at such short notice? And who has got Olympic gold medallist Katie Taylor on their bag?

WHAT WOULD IT be like if the world’s caddies went on strike this weekend and the Ryder Cup golfers had to find replacements at short notice?

Well, in case of such an eventuality, we’ve input a range of candidates through an incredibly complex algorithim to find the perfect match for an alternative bagman.

We’ll reveal Team Europe’s results tomorrow but first, here are Team America’s 12 and the men/women/fictional characters that could get the job done in Medinah this weekend.

Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen

A psychologist’s dream player/caddy pairing. Both built massively successful careers but at the same time, both made sure that they had their fair share of, emm, fun. They haven’t had the easiest few years but Charlie and Tiger can be travelling buddies along the road to redemption.

Bubba Watson and Bertie Ahern

Bubba blubbed his way through interviews after winning his first Major at the Masters earlier this year. Maybe he could share a Kleenex with another man who couldn’t quite master his tears live on television, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern.

Jason Dufner and Father Dougal Maguire

We’ve never seen Dougal play golf before — we must have missed that episode — but we’re guessing that Dufner’s general demeanour, stance and pre-swing routine is about as close as it gets.

Keegan Bradley and El Hadji Diouf

Keegan learned his lesson and cut out his horrible spitting habit once he realised how much trouble it was causing him. Mr Diouf could learn a thing or two.

Webb Simpson and Macaulay Culkin

Two men who had their moment in the spotlight stolen by a birdman or birdwoman: Simpson’s US Open acceptance speech was crashed by the Jungle Bird invader; Culkin’s starring role in Home Alone 2 was dwarfed by the brilliant Brenda Fricker.

Zach Johnson and Katie Taylor

Both Johnson and Taylor are devoutly religious. If Tiger Woods ever found himself rooming with Katie — as he did with Johnson at the 2006 Ryder Cup — he would want to be a bit more careful in choosing his TV channels.

Matt Kuchar and Colm Cooper

Would the fans be yelling “KUUUUUUCH” or “GOOOOOOCH” as this pair strode towards the green? Would it really matter?

Phil Mickelson and Hugh Grant

If Phil is having a bad day, he could always change jumpers with Hugh and let him take a couple of shots. Sure nobody can tell the difference between them anyway.

Steve Stricker and Grandpa Simpson

At 45, Stricker is the oldest player on either Ryder Cup team. He’s still a class act and, much like Grandpa Simpson, has given us many brilliant moments.

Jim Furyk and Sam The Eagle

No explanation needed.

Brandt Snedeker and the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase

Snedeker pipped Rory McIlroy to the $10m FedEx Cup bonus last weekend so we’re guessing he could do with some financial advice from a man who knows plenty about money, Ted DiBiase. Although as Snedeker is technically a “$10m-plus Man” now, would he really want to be seen in the company of a mere millionaire?

Dustin Johnson and Tim Henman

Both had multiple opportunities to win one of their sport’s most prestigious tournaments; both choked badly. At least Tim has a hill named after him — what have you got, Dustin?

– Compiled by Adrian Russell, Fintan O’Toole, Neil Cullen, Niall Kelly, Patrick McCarry and Paul Fennessy.

Photos by AP/PA Images/INPHO

Read more of’s Ryder Cup coverage here >

About the author:

Niall Kelly

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