1. Gilette Soccer Saturday host
GILETTE SOCCER SATURDAY can become pretty manic at times, particularly when Phil Thompson is watching Liverpool, so who better to provide a calming influence than the king of cool Thierry Henry. He just needs to take the mick out of Paul Merson and pretend to support Hartlepool every week.
2. Monday Night Football big wig
Someone needs to be the peacemaker between two Liverpool and United stalwarts in Neville and Carragher, and Henry would be ideal. Besides, he already has some experience in being part of the ‘banter’ so prevalent in Sky studios (see below).
3. Chris Kamara-esque sideline reporter
Tasks include actually watching the game you’re supposed to be reporting on and frequently having the lolz with ‘Carly’.
4. You’re on Sky Sports’ ‘special guest’
Not only would Thierry Henry not get schooled by callers á la some pundits (*cough* Tony Cascarino), he would also bring grace under pressure in dealing with many of the more difficult callers. And yes, we’re aware it’s now off the air, but perhaps Henry’s arrival could inspire a return of the sadly departed televisual equivalent of internet comments sections everywhere.
5. GAA panellist
As much as we enjoyed Sky’s GAA coverage this year, we couldn’t help but notice the worrying lack of racial diversity throughout. And why shouldn’t Henry be the one to break the mould? After all, he already has some experience of playing GAA (see below)
6. Arsenal cheerleader
Sky Sports is in desperate need of some balance. Not only is the station already filled with ex-Liverpool and Man United legends, with a conspicuous lack of alternative voices, it also features people like Dwight Yorke perpetually referring to players such as ‘Wazza’ (Wayne Rooney), as if to underline his bias and loyalty to the Red Devils. It’s about time that Arsenal had their own chief cheerleader, and Henry, with his well-known aversion to saying anything remotely controversial, would be the perfect candidate.
7. Dunphy-style wind-up merchant
Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher bring the in-depth forensic analysis, but every channel also needs a Roy Keane or Eamon Dunphy — basically someone to say something that’s in equal parts ludicrous and brilliant, and which gets people arguing furiously the next day.