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Dublin: 13°C Friday 23 April 2021

The Magnificent Seven: Sports stars on screen

Some people just do not know when they should stick to the day job.

Image: Malcolm Croft/PA/PA Archive/Press Association Images

1. Steve Collins (Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels)

The Irish former WBO middleweight and super middleweight champion proved he had some acting chops when playing completely against type as a ballet dancer in Darren Aronofsky’s ‘Black Swan.’

OK, so nothing about that sentence is true. Collins did briefly flirt with cinematic fame in Guy Ritchie’s much lauded first feature film, playing the bouncer at a high stakes poker game, however.

He was rather convincing in the part, too, though we’d like to see him tell Jason Statham to ‘do one’ now that it’s 14 years later.

(YouTube: extremeouttakes)

2. Sol Campbell (Snatch)

For Ritchie’s next feature, he substituted the burly Irishman for the then Tottenham defender in the role of ‘mildly irascible doorman number two.’

As no footage exists online and we can’t even grab a screenshot, you’ll have to take our word for it and we’ll move on…

3. Mike Tyson (Entourage)

Forget his turn in The Hangover and its pointless sequel, Tyson displays his comedy chops during a meeting with Ari Gold. The former heavyweight world champion wants to cultivate a ‘good guy’ reputation with a starring role in an interracial Brady Bunch redux opposite Jessica Simpson.

The resignation and disappointment in his voice when Ari makes a joke about a certain ‘ear biting’ incident is hilarious.

(YouTube: TheTrueblue1997)

4. John McEnroe (Mr. Deeds)

A reprehensible film it may have been (though still nowhere near as bad as ‘Jack and Jill’*), but the bad boy of tennis gets into the spirit of things alongside Adam Sandler.

True story: McEnroe’s ‘car jump’ is completely real, off the cuff, impromptu, in no way the work of a body double/CGI and real. Yep, that word again? Real.

5. David Beckham (Goal!)

For a film that was probably not even deemed good enough for a straight-to-DVD release and sent back in time to die on Betamax, it did attract a fair number of A-list football talent in ‘blink and you’ll miss them’ roles. Alan Shearer, Sven Goran Eriksson, Raul and Zinedine Zidane all wasted perfectly good Sunday afternoons on this nonsense.

Our favourite clip is of a pre-Hollywood David Beckham, showing Richard Harris-esque levels of on-screen charisma.

(YouTube: Andy Harmer)

6. ‘Eddie and Macca go head to head as rival sports agents, but after a run in with notorious Irish gangster, Gerry McDermott, these two men must work together to get themselves out of the mess they’ve created before they end up six feet under.’

OK, this hasn’t quite happened yet, but all the rumours suggest that Ashley Cole, Joe Cole and Sam Allardyce will feature in the new film to star thespianic behemoth, Daniel Dyer. It’s called ‘Played.’

The thought terrifies us.

7. Lance Armstrong (Dodgeball)

“Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I’m sure this decision won’t haunt you forever.”



*A quick look at McEnroe’s filmography reveals he also had a part in ‘Jack and Jill.’ The horror.

Julich leaves Team Sky because of doping past >

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