Here's who we need for the cast of '2012: The Sports Movie'

It’s been an epic year, we need the best damn thespians money can buy.

As Rory McIlroy…

Kamran Jebreili/AP/Press Association Images

We’ve had to keep his elbows in check for his big screen debut, it’s marvellous Marouane Fellaini. Or it could be vice versa.

Joe Giddens/EMPICS Sport

As Jim McGuinness…

©INPHO/Cathal Noonan

‘Jon Hamm, you must be delighted at being cast in such a pivotal role. Your initial reaction?’

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As Manuela Spinelli…

©INPHO/Lorraine O’Sullivan

Only Mario Balotelli came close to rivaling her as the star of Euro 2012. Be still our collective beating heart, Penelope Cruz.

As Lionel Messi…

MANU FERNANDEZ/AP/Press Association Images

We needed someone tough, mean and talented. And when this young man, Robert DeNiro, came into our studio, we all agreed that we had found our Leo.

YouTube credit: J.A. Zanela

As Eli Manning…

Patrick Semansky/AP/Press Association Images

We took our talent search to Easter Island and narrowed it down to two choices .

Eye Ubiquitous/Press Association Images

As Ian Poulter…

Chris Carlson/AP/Press Association Images

Only Christopher Walken could ever be that intense.

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As Robin van Persie…

Martin Rickett/PA Wire/Press Association Images

Pablo Schreiber has that vertical hair thing going on, he could play the ship-deserting Dutchman.

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As Bubba Watson…

Matt Slocum/AP/Press Association Images

Yeah, it’s definitely all about the hair. Let’s get that nice run-of-the-mill comic Demetri Martin.

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As Luis Suarez…

Stephen Pond/EMPICS Sport

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As Alex Ferguson…

Rebecca Naden/PA Archive/Press Association Images

You need a Scotsman who can display incredible powers of power and manipulation (especially over referees) so Ian McDiarmid it is. #Typecast.

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As Katie Taylor…

©INPHO/Donall Farmer

Last year we went with Hilary Swank, but the narrative has changed into the feelgood movie of the summer, so Sandy Bullock it is.

Number one! Mark J. Terrill/AP/Press Association Images

As Mario Balotelli…

Vadim Ghirda/AP/Press Association Images

At this stage, he’s little more than a calamity-prone caricature who plays football now and then. Mr Blobby, it is then.

Why always him?

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