Gavin Cooney

DEAR FIFA, 

It is I, Cristiano Ronaldo.

For some reason I have been asked to explain myself in the light of my persecution in Dublin, so as to avoid being suspended for the World Cup. 

I thought it obvious that Cristiano Ronaldo is more sinned against than sinning. 

But I shall nonetheless play along with your petty procedures.

My red card in Dublin was the product of a conspiracy. It was an act of mass provocation validated by a disrespectful referee. You therefore have the power to right in historical record a great wrong. 

The footage appears to show me swinging my arm into O’Shea, but while I may have moved my arm, the footage clearly shows this O’Shea turn towards me, so as to make sure he collided with it. 

O’Shea also collapsed to the ground like some giant statue felled by raving and unruly citizens. 

Fifa, I can tell you that a great idol was indeed torn down on that night in Dublin, but it was not this O’Shea character. It was me. I, Cristiano Ronaldo. 

This O’Shea had been pushing me and shoving me throughout the game, and to this I am unaccustomed: most players dare not offend me should they risk not getting my shirt after the game. 

Of course this O’Shea character could not and did not act alone. With his pre-match words, the Irish coach laid a trap into which the referee Mr. Nyberg so foolishly stumbled. 

Fifa, I am told that this coach is not even a coach, but a dentist!  

But how sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless crowd! 

The Irish crowd also conspired to have me banished and, Fifa, I do not understand these people. 

Four years ago a girl ran on to the very same pitch to beg me for a touch of my garment. And while I have not seen this for myself,  my representatives and my friends insist to me that there is a bar on the northside of Dublin that bears a giant mural reading the words, THIS FELLA RONALDO, IS A GOD. 

And now these same people goad me! They forsake me! These little people in Ireland do not know how to respect greatness. I am told these little people ask some of their best sportspeople to hide their faces beneath helmets!

That these people do not respect Cristiano Ronaldo is not the fault of Cristiano Ronaldo.

Fifa, you must ask yourselves: what message do you wish to send? Do you really want to punish a man and reward the petty envy of these little people? Or do you want to take this chance to administer belated justice? 

Some of the haters say that I am only interested in personal numbers and stats; that I am solely motivated to prove to everybody that I am not merely the second-best player of my generation; that I am obsessed with my greatest rival. 

Nonsense! But I cannot control what the haters say. What I can say is that this is not a situation that is complicated or messi. 

This was my first red card in 226 international appearances. Fifa: can it really be true that 225 international referees were wrong, and Mr. Nyberg right? 

Yes, I have received 14 red cards in club football, but I can also say that I have 954 career goals and a record 226 international appearances and a record 143 international goals and a record 140 goals in the Champions League and a record 14 goals in the European Championships and a record 450 goals for Real Madrid. 

Fifa, this is not a matter of privilege. It is a matter of fairness. How can a man dedicate himself to greatness for more than two decades and be denied his right to rack up a couple more numbers in a low-stakes game against Curacao? 

But, Fifa, I do not make this contractual but no less needless plea for clemency on behalf of Cristiano Ronaldo.

I make this plea on behalf of my country. How can my people be deprived of me and, by extension, of their final chance to win the World Cup? I have not checked the score from the game against Armenia for which I was so unjustly suspended, but I can only assume it went badly. 

And finally, Fifa, I also make this plea on behalf of Fifa. 

Do you really want to insist on following these silly little rules and consign your tournament to failure?

I have seen some people say that the World Cup thrived for decades before my arrival and that this edition has already sold more than two million tickets and is set to land more than $4 billion in TV revenue regardless of my participation. To that I say. . . . well, er. . . I just deserve to be there okay! 

And, Fifa, you deserve me to be there! I recently told globally-renowned journalist Piers Morgan that I am the most famous person in the world. In this, I was wrong. Having recently visited President Trump, I now realise I am the second most famous person in the world. 

(And what an honour that visit was. I told Mr. President of  the island from which I hail and he said, ‘I thought that was a cake!’ and oh, how we laughed! I also explained to him that I am named after his predecessor Ronald Reagan, and he told me that Joe Biden was a disaster and the worst president in the history of the country. I didn’t see how this was necessarily relevant to our conversation but nonetheless I didn’t interrupt him.)

Fifa, how can you proceed with your event without the presence of the world’s two most famous people! I know your own great president, Johnny Infantino, understands and respects celebrity. His haters will say football is already big enough and does not need to cheapen itself by pandering to the whims of the rich and the famous and the nigh-dictatorial. 

But Johnny rightly does not listen to the haters, for it does not befit a great man to pay heed to these little people. I do not know who won the previous World Cup in Qatar but I am told that Salt Bae was given an appropriate role in the celebrations. 

Fifa, this proves to me that you have the correct level of respect for great people, unlike these little people in Ireland. These ungrateful people of Ireland. 

I appeal now to President Johnny: With your all-shaking thunder, strike flat the thick rotundity o’ the World Cup!

Make it my stage!