Here are our 5 favourite fake football stories of the week

Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy to release a charity single, and other fantastical tales.

I spoke fluent English all along, admits apologetic Trapattoni

Giovanni Trapattoni - actually speaks perfect English (INPHO/Donall Farmer).

Ireland manager Giovanni Trapattoni has today admitted that he speaks perfect English.

“I was taking the piss,” the Italian revealed. “When Dennis O’Brien offered me an exorbitant salary to manage the Irish side, I couldn’t believe it, especially after what I did to the Italian national team.”

Trapattoni admitted that he subsequently suspected Irish people were “really stupid” and that he decided to test this theory out by “exaggerating my senility and speaking a load of rubbish about cats and sacks”.

Trapattoni also spoke of his amazement at how the assembled press “always managed to keep straight faces” as he made these “nonsensical remarks”.

He explained that his decision to come clean was part of a newfound determination to “take my job seriously,” which also involves attending Premier League matches on a regular basis.

His first match was on Saturday, where he kept a keen eye on Norwich’s Anthony Pilkington against Arsenal, who, Trap admits, “had always assumed was English” prior to this weekend.

He then concluded the press conference by reciting one of his favourite passages from Finnegan’s Wake.

Gary Neville to combine dual roles as United manager and Sky pundit following Ferguson’s retirement

Gary Neville - a modern-day Renaissance man (Anthony Devlin/PA Archive/Press Association Images).

Gary Neville has insisted his new role as Manchester United manager will not unduly influence his work as a football analyst for Sky.

Speaking after it was confirmed that he would replace Alex Ferguson as United manager, Neville said there was “absolutely no chance” of him stepping down from his role at Sky, saying:

“No one cared when I was coach of England, so why should it be a problem now that I’m manager at United?”

He explained that he would take up his usual role in the commentary box beside Martin Tyler, before swiftly jogging to the dressing room to give his half-time team talk at the interval.

When asked if he foresaw problems should he decide to openly criticise one of his own players, he pointed out that Sky “have a longstanding policy which forbids all its pundits from engaging in criticism of any form, irrespective of whether they also happen to be the manager of Manchester United.”

When asked of his reaction after he first heard that United were keen on hiring him to replace Ferguson, Neville shouted: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. Unbelievable!”

Suarez comes under fire after ill-advised crucifixion pose

Luis Suarez has pleaded innocence for 122nd time in his career (Juan Karita/AP/Press Association Images).

Controversial Liverpool striker Luis Suarez is being controversial again, can confirm.

Suarez has come under heavy criticism for a recent interview he gave to The Sun, during which he was persuaded to pose on a crucifix.

Suarez was asked in a subsequent interview if he had any regrets about the decision to pose.

“What? It’s satire,” he said. “Plus, Jesus chic is totally in this season.”

And while the Uruguayan international has once again been widely criticised for his actions, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard and manager Brendan Rodgers have both come out in defence of the embattled striker.

Gerrard cited “cultural differences” as an explanation for Suarez’s behaviour, and added that it was “perfectly normal to get up on a crucifix and do a Jesus pose where he comes from”.

Meanwhile, Manchester United defender Patrice Evra was quoted as saying: “I’m glad that Uruguayan a**hole finally seems to be getting his comeuppance.”

Footballers barred from nightclubs, court rules

John Terry is the official spokesperson for the footballers (Matt Dunham/AP/Press Association Images).

Footballers have been barred from nightclubs indefinitely, it has today been confirmed, following recent widespread protests at their existence.

A Group calling themselves STIS (Stop The Infidelities and Shagging) have been protesting vehemently in recent months, at the recent outbreak of footballers trying to have sex with their wives and girlfriends.

The group was established following high-profile cases involving John Terry and Ryan Giggs, and sought to warn ordinary men of the dangers of leaving their girlfriends temporarily unattended when a footballer was in the vicinity.

The group also warned of studies, which revealed that those whose girlfriends were topless models with an unusually low IQ were especially at risk.

Speaking following today’s verdict, a spokesperson for STIS stated: “This is a victory for ordinary blokes everywhere. We have for years protested that men should be given the right to parade their trophy wives in peace while out on the tiles, and today, that dream has been realised.”

Meanwhile, when questioned by Sky Sports News’ ridiculously hot female reporter about  the verdict, chief spokesman for the footballers, John Terry, said: “Awright luv. What ya doin tonight? I’ve got two tickets for the new Jason Statham movie if ya fancy it?”

Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy to release charity single in aid of financially-stricken FAI

Keane and McCarthy have agreed to kiss and make up following their infamous falling out (INPHO/Lorraine O'Sullivan).

After their secret attempts to become joint managers of the Republic of Ireland were scuppered by the FAI somehow thinking Giovanni Trapattoni was up to the task, Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy have turned to the world of pop music for solace.

With the FAI struggling for finances in light of recent findings that no one’s really arsed going to Ireland games anymore, the duo have recorded a cover version of the classic Nancy and Frank Sinatra duet 'Somethin’ Stupid'.

“Forgive and forget,” laughed Keane, who admitted that he was starting to feel “kind of bad” about ruining Ireland’s World Cup chances in 2002, and said he felt “partially responsible” for the perilous state that the FAI now find themselves in.

Meanwhile, McCarthy added: “I suppose it does feel kind of weird to be recording a charity pop single with someone who once told me to ‘stick the World Cup up me b****cks,’” when asked if it felt kind of weird to be recording a charity pop single with someone who once told him to stick the World Cup up his b****cks.

In addition, the track will also feature a guest rap from another one-time nemesis of McCarthy, RTE pundit Eamon Dunphy.

On Dunphy’s involvement, McCarthy said: “I suppose it does feel kind of weird to be recording a charity pop single with someone who once called me ‘a boil on the arse of humanity’.”

However, McCarthy added that he had forgiven Dunphy, given that recently, in one of his customary U-turns, the analyst had touted McCarthy as the definitive contender to succeed Trapattoni as Ireland boss.

Owing to word-of-mouth hype, and general enthusiasm for the collaboration, bookmakers have already suspended betting on the song becoming this year’s Christmas number one.

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