How to host the perfect Cheltenham Festival house party

AFTER A RACE, according to Jerry Seinfeld, a horse must think: “We were just here. What’s the point of that?”

Well those amongst us who’ve spent hours on the couch or in the stands will know what the New York comedian failed to grasp: it’s fun.

So gather your friends/casual acquaintances, saddle up and get ready for a four-day long party.

Here’s how you can be the perfect Festival shindig host…

How to host the perfect Cheltenham Festival house party

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1. A telly
Television: Cheltenham will be Channel 4’s first HD broadcast of British racing and the introduction of racing in high-def comes ahead of the expected launch of Racing UK HD later this year. It’s the perfect excuse to splash for a nice new telly. However, the same way some porn stars are finding HD brings its own challenges to the industry, so too every McCririck twitch and Guinness-blotched face in the crowd will be brought to you in glorious, crystal technicolour. Be warned.Source: Yoppy via Creative Commons/Flikr
2. Friends
Friends: If you don't have any, don't worry loser, see the first slide. A nice, new wall-mounted plasma will bring all the boys to the yard.Source: David Davies/PA Archive/Press Association Images
3. Proper seating
Seats: It's just not done to expect everyone to watch four days of Grade One racing while perched delicately on a cushion while you shout the odds from your LazyBoy3000. Get the emergency seats out of the shed, as Peter Kay would advise. Source: MitchGibis via Creative Commons/Flikr
4. An expert
An expert: If sticking the pin in the tabloid is your form-guide of choice, like myself, recruit someone who actually watches the sport on the other 360 days of the year. He/she can act as a guru/priest/sounding board during the vicissitudes of an emotional week. Some experience in disputes resolution is also an advantage.Source: Matthew Ashton/EMPICS Sport
5. Food and drink
Food and drink: US jailbird and domestic goddess Martha Stewart offers a swathe of NFL-related nibbles and recipes for a Superbowl Party but has failed to get behind the sport of kings it seems. So what do we recommend? Over-priced hot dogs and warm Guinness served in a flimsy plastic container should capture that authentic feel of the Cotswolds. Source: Inpho
6. Costumes
Dress up: Encourage your friends/pets to wear the silks of your favourite owner, jockey or syndicate. Whips can also be bought from specialised shops and on certain parts of the internet, I'm told. Source: INPHO/Tom Honan