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From sex-masochism to squeezing his ass, Louis van Gaal gave us plenty of entertainment

The best quotes from the Dutchman’s two years in charge at Manchester United.

LOUIS VAN GAAL was sacked as Manchester United manager just two days after lifting the FA Cup at Wembley.

While his side too often have produced some forgettable football during his two years in charge, the inimitable Dutchman’s remarks in the media will live a little longer in the memory.

From “horny” players and ”fat” journalists to sex-masochism and Mr Mike Smalling, here are some of Van Gaal’s best one-liners during his time at OId Trafford…

1. “I said I was squeezing my ass, but that’s the wrong expression. I was twisting my ass.” – Van Gaal leans on club great Alex Ferguson’s ‘squeaky bum time’ (January 22, 2015)

2. “The fans are shouting every week ‘LOUIS VAN GAAL’S ARMY!’” – The manager feels plenty of support  - and gives his own rendition (February 10, 2015)

Britain Soccer Champions League Source: Jon Super/AP/Press Association Images

3. “Last year, the third captain was Mr Mike Smalling.” – An awkward moment for Chris Smalling, sitting alongside his manager (July 21, 2015)

4. “For me, Liverpool is a fantastic club. Because I have won every game against Liverpool.” - Van Gaal can’t resist a dig at the old enemy after a 3-1 victory (September 12, 2015)

5. “You have an expression in England and it is, ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me’. It is a fantastic expression. Why is he saying something? The benefit of the club, or the benefit of himself?” - On Paul Scholes’ criticism of his team’s style (October 30, 2015)

Source: Ryan S/YouTube

6. “I’m from a time where you [the head coach] did everything. Now I’m the manager and I have a sports science department, a scouting department, a medical department, assistant managers, assistant coaches. I don’t do anything… nothing! I delegate. I delegate and I earn a lot of money.’ - A frank assessment of modern coaching (November 18, 2015)

7. “Has anybody in this room not a feeling to apologise to me? That’s what I am wondering. I think I was already sacked, I have read. Or have been sacked.” - Frustrated by speculation over his job, Van Gaal wishes the media “merry Christmas and a nice mince pie” before storming from a press conference (December 23, 2015)

8. “We don’t speak about Wayne Rooney, you have criticised him. I don’t – you! [pointing at journalist Neil Custis] You too, fat man!” - One reporter bears the brunt after questions over Rooney’s form (January 13, 2016)

Source: BeanymanSports/YouTube

9. “A lot of times I use the word ‘horny’ with my players.” – Van Gaal encourages a new kind of attitude among his squad (February 24, 2016)

10. “It’s not in the books that somebody has to grab the hair. Only in sex-masochism. Then it is allowed.” – Van Gaal explains why Marouane Fellaini aimed an elbow at Robert Huth (May 2, 2016)

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