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56 clichés you will probably hear this Premier League season

“I’m just happy for the team” and several other oft-heard quotes.

(Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport)

1. Top, top player…

Likely to be said by: Jamie Redknapp

2. Liverpool just aren’t the same team without Suarez.

Likely to said by: Luis Suarez-obsessed analysts

3. I think Southampton will struggle this year.

Likely to said by: Those with little faith in the Saints’ backup for the departed Adam Lallana et al.

4. Louis van Gaal the true heir to Alex Ferguson’s throne.

Likely to be said by: Headline writers

5. Would you BELIEVE it?

Likely to be said by: Martin Tyler

6. According to Sky sources…

Likely to said by: Sky Sports News presenters

7. The modern-day player…

Likely to said by: Older analysts who are unimpressed by young pretenders.

8. The money they get paid these days.

Likely to be said by: see above

9. The Premier League is in decline, Bill!

Likely to be said by: Eamon Dunphy

Image via Fantasy Premier League

10. WHY did I take him off my Fantasy Football team?

Likely to be said by: Pretty much every FF aficionado.

11. The problem with Arsenal is that they lack leadership.

Likely to be said by: Ex-Arsenal players-turned-pundits

12. The problem with Arsenal is that they try to pass the ball into the net.

Likely to be said by: Anyone who watches Arsenal on a regular basis

13. They’re a team in transition.

Likely to said by: Anyone trying to make sense of one of Liverpool’s disappointing results.

14. You can never doubt Wayne Rooney’s commitment.

Likely to be said by: If Wayne Rooney hasn’t scored in a while.

15. He’s not that sort of player.

Likely to be said by: Co-commentators, whenever Ryan Shawcross commits a horrendous challenge.

16. I never like to criticise referees, but…

Likely to be said by: Managers bitter about the fact that their team has just lost.

17. He looked good at the World Cup.

Likely to be said by: Commentators trying to make sense of any new signing who ‘does a Kleberson’ by flopping in the Premier League after enjoying an eye-catching stint in Brazil during the summer.

18. Shane Long is a good player, but is he worth £12million?

Likely to be said by: Those alarmed by the Irish international’s price tag.

19. Liverpool are going to do a Spurs

Likely to be said by: Anyone willing to overlook the fact that Spurs were only ultimately three points worse off without Gareth Bale last year.

Source: PostMatch/YouTube

YouTube credit: PostMatch

20. Managerial mind games…

Likely to be said by: Anyone who is prone to over-analysing post-match comments.

21. Something needs to be done about the standard of officiating.

Likely to be said by: Anyone who begins to realise that goal-line technology is not quite the quick-fix solution they’ve been led to believe.

22. From a footballing perspective, there’s nothing wrong with Mourinho.

Likely to be said by: Graeme Souness and others irked by Mourinho’s irritating personality.

23. He hasn’t ever truly fulfilled his potential.

Likely to be said by: Pundits discussing Wayne Rooney

24. This will be Liverpool’s/Man United’s/Tottenham’s/Arsenal’s year.

Likely to be said by: Perpetually optimistic fans.

25. They’ve a great team on paper.

Likely to be said by: Anyone discussing a team of underachievers.

26. Wenger out!

Likely to be said by: Ungrateful Arsenal fans whenever they lose a match.

27. PELANTY!

Likely to be said by: The Mirror Football Twitter account.

28. We will be issuing new Twitter guidelines.

Likely to be said by: A club spoksperson, whenever one of their players says something stupid on the social networking site.

29. These things even themselves out over the course of a season.

Likely to be said by: Pundits who are unwilling to lay too much blame at the officials’ feet, following a bad decision.

Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Southampton v Hull City - St Mary's Source: PA Archive/Press Association Images

(Ireland and Hull player Paul McShane is invariably the subject of much derision)

30. Paul McShane is better!

Likely to be said by: Anyone who thinks it’s hilarious to compare the much-maligned Irish defender to an exotic big-name signing.

31. There are no easy games in the Premier League.

Likely to be said by: Any manager whose team’s next game is home to Burnley.

32. I reckon [insert name of promoted club] might surprise a few people this year.

Likely to be said by: Anyone with a tendency to speak patronisingly about inferior sides.

33. He’s lost the dressing room.

Likely to be said by: A tabloid journalist reporting on the manager of a struggling club.

34. And it’s LIVE!

Likely to be said by: Martin Tyler

35. The £26million man has just scored a £26million goal.

Likely to be said by: A commentator, anytime Roberto Soldado threatens to come good.

36. He’s launched a come-and-get-me plea

Likely to be said by: Anyone reporting on the transfer market.

37. Can we have a quick word, Harry?

Likely to be said by: A Sky Sports News reporter on Transfer Deadline Day at Harry Redknapp’s car window.

38. I haven’t moved here for the money/This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Likely to be said by: Any player who’s just secured a lucrative contract.

39. The support we got was first class.

Likely to be said by: Any manager looking to deflect attention from his team’s inept performance.

(Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport)

40. He’s running out of second chances.

Likely to be said by: Any journalist, whenever Joey Barton causes trouble and gets linked with a move to another club.

41. I didn’t see it!

Likely to be said by: Arsene Wenger, whenever a controversial incident influences a game in his side’s favour.

42. He won’t be looking forward to encountering Roy Keane in the dressing room.

Likely to be said: Whenever a high-profile Aston Villa player messes up.

43. Jim White has entered the building.

Likely to be said by: A fellow Sky Sports News presenter on Deadline Day.

44. He’s still learning the game at this level.

Likely to be said by: A co-commentator, whenever Luke Shaw is having a bad day.

45. Well done young man!

Likely to be said by: Ray Wilkins, anytime a player does anything vaguely impressive.

46. Young [Glenn] Whelan!

Likely to be said by: John Giles, when discussing the 30-year-old Ireland international. 

47. I’m just happy for the team and to get the three points.

Likely to be said by: A player in a post-mach interview who’s just scored a hat-trick for a lower-half team, thus virtually guaranteeing himself a lucrative move in the summer.

48. It’ll take him a while to adapt/He needs to be more physical.

Likely to be said by: Anyone analysing the struggles of a newly arrived foreign player.

49. The race for the fourth Champions League spot is really hotting up.

Likely to be said by: Any Sky employee acutely aware of the fact that the title race has been decided well before the end of the season.

50. What a day we have in store for you!

Likely to be said by: Whoever’s presenting Super Sunday

51. Sorry, I missed that Jeff!

Likely to be said by: Chris Kamara.

52. They’re a bit short in midfield/They need more experience at the back.

Likely to be said by: Anyone analysing Man United.

53. Ohhhhhh, unbelievable!

Likely to be said by: Gary Neville.

54. LVG out!

Likely to be said by: Wannabe comedians, whenever Man United lose their first match.

55. I just want to do what’s best for this football club.

Likely to be said by: A manager, who is due a sizeable personal bonus if his team finishes the season in the desired league position.

56. You can’t win anything with kids!

Likely to be said by: A Match of the Day analyst ironically staking a claim to be the new Alan Hannsen.

A version of this piece was originally published on 6 August 2013.

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Paul Fennessy

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