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11 steps to appointing a Premier League manager

Oligarchs, you’re welcome (we’ll accept payment in cold hard cash).

Image: Martin Rickett/PA Wire/Press Association Images

SO YOU’VE SACKED your manager? Good for you.

Things really had gotten bad for your club in recent weeks: defeats, ill discipline, lost dressing rooms, fans in revolt.

Had you waited any longer they’d be singing ‘sack the board’, and we don’t want that, do we?

Yes, paying off the remainder of that two-year contract so you could begin paying another man to do the same job was a great decision and it’s sure to solve all your club’s problem. Now all you have to do is find that perfect replacement.

So, before you spin the managerial roundabout, here’s how it’s done.

Speak openly about how you’re ready to take fans’ opinions on the vacancy

Then ignore them completely.

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Daniel Hambury/EMPICS Sport

Consider a big-name appointment

Y’know, to boost morale… and maybe profile. A little leak never hurt anybody.

imageKamran Jebreili/AP/Press Association Images

Hmm… maybe it would be cheaper to just promote the assistant

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Owen Humphreys/PA Archive/Press Association Images

Depending on who you’ve just sacked, you can vow to:

a) Appoint a British manager

If you’ve just sacked a foreign boss, then the board and pundits will be in full agreement that the local club should be run by local people who can ‘speak the language’.

imageOnce the B word is bandied about, you know he’s gonna be Scottish. Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport

or b) Call in a fresh voice with a cool foreign accent

If Pep Guardiola says he’s cool, that’ll do us.

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Daniel Hambury/PA Wire/Press Association Images

Wherever they’re from, make sure they have a five-year plan

Or three envelopes, whatever.

imagePeter Byrne/PA Wire/Press Association Images

Make sure any applicant is adept at solely blaming the referee after a match, no matter how many goals the team loses by

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Martin Rickett/PA Archive/Press Association Images

Do not, we repeat, DO NOT give the job to Joe Kinnear, or Phil Brown

Everyone know’s Kinnear’s best suited to the more thoughtful role of Director of Football anyway.

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Owen Humphreys/PA Archive/Press Association Images

Don’t sign anything until you’ve checked if Harry Redknapp available

Tap on his window to tap him up.

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Joel Ryan/AP/Press Association Images

How about that clean-cut chap with the proven track record in domestic and European competition?

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PA/PA Archive/Press Association Images

He’s taken? Well, whoever’s free will have to do

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Stephen Pond/PA Wire/Press Association Images

Or If you can’t be arsed looking, just appoint some bloke you met in a casino

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Lynne Cameron/PA Archive/Press Association Images

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About the author:

Sean Farrell

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