Okay, let’s be honest – the transfer window has been crap so far. There has been barely any high profile signings but that doesn’t mean that deadline day won’t be as madcap as ever. We just need to think positive thoughts.

We will be with you right up until the window slams unceremoniously shut later tonight and we’ll bring you every major storyline along the way.

The Sky ticker is scrolling furiously across as the screen as reporter Chris Hull says Graham Dorrans might be on his way from West Brom to Norwich.

Stoke defender Robert Huth will join Leicester on loan for the remainder of the season. And doesn’t he look delighted with the move?

Sky Sports production meeting:

Producer 1: ‘There isn’t a lot of action going on at the moment, we need a bit more sex appeal on screen to keep people interested’.

Producer 2: ‘Say no more, I’ve the perfect person.’

BREAKING NEWS: The Yak is back! Yakubu is officially a Reading player. Strange that he is only 32, he seems to have been playing for a really, really long time.

Reading are currently 16th in the Championship but their promotion odds will no doubt be slashed after nabbing such a wily veteran.

Anyone who can get over this miss is obviously mentally tough.

Welcome back Yak!
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Brendan Rodgers has just given a press conference saying it is very unlikely Liverpool will do any business today.

But the return of Sturridge is like getting a new signing so Liverpool fans probably won’t be too disappointed.

Two seconds after typing that last update, this pundit said ‘getting Daniel Sturridge back is like having a new signing’.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing that me and Kammy are on the same wavelength?

Manchester United fans will likely be rejoicing at the news that Anderson is set to join Internacional on a four-year deal. 

How on earth did he manage to last this long at United?

This is brilliant from Robert Huth! A source very, very far from the situation was surprised that the German had a sense of humour.

When this guy comes on screen with his ipad, you know he is going to be talking about one thing – cold, hard cash.

He always gets to update the ‘Sky Sports Totaliser’, which is basically an official version of this.

While the window as a whole has been quiet, there has been a bit of movement of some Irish players.

20-year-old Derry City winger Michael Duffy has been bought by Celtic for a fee of around €330,000. Duffy has been capped at U21 level for Northern Ireland.

And in-form Irish striker Eoin Doyle is set to jump up a division and join Championship side Cardiff City from Chesterfield.

Doyle has been in scintillating form this season and has already scored 15 goals in all competitions.

Natalie Sawyer actually asked two guests this with a straight face:

‘Let’s talk about the big news today, which is that Robert Huth has joined Leicester on loan’.

Dwight Yorke and Tony Cascarino obviously doing the graveyard shift.

This is actually a really good point here. It is 2015, can everything not just be done digitally?

A massive story has broken that could have seismic repercussions for every single transfer deadline day in the future. A shocking development that I alluded to earlier in the comments.

Look how relaxed reporter Alan Irwin is today.

A lot more low-key than his ordeal during last year’s window.

Villa have stated their interest in Liverpool striker Rickie Lambert but it looks like the former Southampton man is staying put at Anfield.

Two Lambert’s at Aston Villa? That can’t be a good thing.

The always reliable, ever mysterious ‘Sky sources’ are speculating that Stoke might make a bid for Aaron Lennon.

Much like Yakubu, Lennon is also a surprising age. He’s only 27 despite making his debut back in 2003.

Now this is how you do transfer deadline day. Fair play, Accrington Stanley.

As part of the Cuadrado move to Chelsea Mohamed Salah is going on loan in the other direction. Salah was a pretty effective squad player for Mourinho’s men last year but he has barely featured this term.

What are the odds that Jim White packs all of these into his first sentence?

The Guardian have reported that Wilfried Zaha’s dismal spell at Old Trafford is over. The striker has been on loan at Crystal Palace this season and he is set to move permanently to the club for a fee of £3 million.

Zaha never recovered from that outrageous rumour regarding his relationship with his previous manager’s daughter.

Now the players themselves are debunking transfer rumours before the omniscient ‘Sky sources’ can be brought into play.

West Ham had bid for Swansea’s Bafetimbi Gomis but the striker just tweeted this out.

Can you not just let us wildly speculate?

Carra has just turned up at the Sky studio looking like he stayed a little too late at a Super Bowl party last night.

Sky trying to pass off the Gomis tweets as ‘the striker confirming news we have brought you’. That is one way of putting it. It’s the wrong way, but it’s a way nonetheless.

The German transfer window will be shut and locked at 5pm so Wolfsburg only have 38 minutes to get the Schurrle deal done.

Looking forward to a Sky anchor saying ‘It’s a race against time’.

We may have just had the biggest piece of deadline day spin ever from the Sky anchor:

‘It has been quiet day so far but that can be deceptive. All it takes is one move to spark a flurry of activity among all the teams.’

Loosely translated into English as: ‘For the love of God, please keep watching!’

We haven’t seen him in a car yet but Harry Redknapp is considering taking Emanuel Adebayor on loan to QPR from Spurs. Apparently the striker isn’t too keen on moving across London though.

Gary Neville was in studio earlier talking about United’s transfer window. Looking a lot sharper than Carragher as well.

One move that won’t be happening is James McClean to Hull. That rumour had been floating around earlier but a Sky reporter says it ain’t happening.

C’mon, we need some exotic gossip now.

According to Sky’s Spanish football guru, Liverpool and Real Sociedad are competing for Danny Ings with the view to the striker signing a pre-contract agreement.

Guillem Balague was actually asked this…

Oh no. Sky think that Thierry Henry will save their ailing broadcast. If you were bored before…

Earlier the rumour was Adebayor to QPR but now The Hammers are apparently pursuing the Spurs striker.

Will Sky read out any Jordan related questions?

Belgian defender Marnick Vermijl has joined Sheffield Wednesday from Manchester United.

He made two League Cup appearances in three season at the club.

Sky have brought in the A team for the 5pm hour.

Henry, Jamie Redknapp and Alan Smith are in studio now.

The panel are basically discussing how crap deadline day has been so far.

Sky anchor: ‘Can you tell me about the time you moved on deadline day Alan?’

‘I moved on the third Thursday in March to Arsenal… it’s a boring story really.’

The 5pm deadline for the German transfer window has passed and there has been no official announcement about Schurrle but Sky’s money man says the deal between Chelsea and Wolfsburg has likely been done.

Any West Ham fans out there? Apparently Genk’s Senegalese defensive midfielder Kara Mbodj could be on his way to Upton Park after the move for Darren Fletcher collapsed.

So Chelsea banked €32 million on the Schurrle deal. Going by the reported fee for Cuadrado, they are basically swapping the two. Would you rather have the Colombian or the German?

Interesting news coming out of the Big Apple. New York Red Bulls and Tim Cahill have decided to part ways and Sky are speculating that the Australian could be set to return to the Premier League.

It would be great to see Cahill back in England and given his recent stellar international form, you would think he would definitely be worth a gamble by some team.

This might be the biggest BS rumour of the day…

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You know deadline day isn’t going as planned when you get updates like ‘We can now tell you that Terry Gornell has joined Accrington Stanley for the third time in his career from Cheltenham.’

Who would have thought that taking the random sex toys out of transfer deadline day would kill the excitement? Alan Irwin is proof.

What do people think of Henry as a pundit? It is early in his tv career but after all the Sky ads building him up, he has been pretty poor. Everything he says is generic and obvious. And he handled the ball against Ireland. That too.

So can we officially say this is the worse transfer window ever? If you are a League Two fan you might be entertained but there has barely been any Championship moves, let alone Premier League.

The Sky reporter at Anfield:

‘It has been a relatively busy day for Liverpool in lots of ways*’

*Rodgers said it was very unlikely that he would sign anybody.

Henry trolling the Spurs fans out there.
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Sky’s precious Totaliser has been stuck on the same number for a few hours now.

‘But remember, the totaliser is like a volcano. One moment it can be dormant and the next – BOOM! It erupts.’

No reporter has actually said this yet but it has been obvious in the subtext.

Marnick Vermijl left Man United today but he must be suffering from some sort of deadline day delirium.

Sky have parachuted in a German affiliate to breakdown the Schurrle deal.

Kirsty Gallagher asked the panel if they were sticking around after the break.

‘Do we have a choice?’

That’s better from Henry.

Guillem Balague pours ice cold water ALL over the Varane to United deal about an hour after I quashed it. Make of that what you will.

Fantasy football journeyman Sylvain Distin is attracting a bit of buzz as his contract ends at Everton in the summer. West Ham are reportedly fishing around (although they have been linked with about four or five guys at this stage).

Southampton are agonisingly close to capturing Filip Đuričić on loan from Benfica. If you aren’t familiar with the promising Serb then take a look at this highlight reel.

Former sticker book stalwart Paul Rachubka has been released from his contract at Oldham. The goalkeeper was with Man United between 2000-2002 and you would always end up with about 100 Rachubka stickers for swaps.

You know Sky are struggling to fill time when Henry gets asked: ‘well, we know Varane isn’t going to United… BUT is he the kind of player they should sign?’

The producers will probably ask Jamie Redknapp to ring his dad and beg him to make some signings next.

Alexnader Hleb has moved between two Turkish clubs, going from Konyaspor to Genclerbirligi. His new team’s jersey looks a lot like a Bohemians strip.

Is that a good or a bad omen?

Chelsea have confirmed the Cuadrado signing from Fiorentina. Mourinho was delighted with the purchase.

BREAKING: The Sky Sports Totaliser moves for the first time in hours.

This is a good point about Mourinho. He always seems to get great prices for players he doesn’t want anymore. Luiz, Mata and Schurrle have all been sold for tidy profits.

Lambert to Villa could be back on. Is he worth £5 million? If your goal scoring record is as poor as Villa’s he might be.

Your obligatory new signing picture of Juan Cuadrado.

And I forget to include the big fee Jose got for Lukaku too.

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This guy is the designated football league transfer correspondent so when they say ‘BREAKING NEWS with Aidan McGee’ don’t expect Bale to Man United.

Thierry Henry just ‘signed’ for QPR on air. This is the sort of banter you usually get on BT.

Should Sky have banned the fans this year? They were getting a little out of control but they could really do with them this year given how quiet it has been.

Let’s hope they are right otherwise what will Jim White do with himself tonight?

Kirsty Gallagher – ‘We can now show you exclusive footage of the moment the German transfer window shut at 5pm our time.’

Thanks, we really needed that peek behind the curtain.

Paul Fennessy here taking over from Will Slattery for the rest of the evening.

There’s talk of Derby signing Tom Ince from Hull on a loan deal.

Steve McClaren’s side will be hoping to see this type of form if he does join…

That’s that cleared up then…

Still hope for all you Everton fans.

Having initially appeared to be going to either Hull or Leicester, Everton are the latest club being linked with Tottenham misfit Aaron Lennon.

Bad news for Aiden McGeady perhaps?

So Cuadrado is the sixth most expensive player in the history of the January transfer window.

BREAKING: Jim White is in the building…

He repeats the Aaron Lennon-to-Everton rumour.

You can now read the full Cuadrado story right here.

Meanwhile, Jim White’s shift is about to start.

Exciting news for Southampton fans as they sign Benfica attacking midfielder Filip Djuricic on loan.

If their recent record in the transfer market is anything to go by, he could well be another hidden gem.

It doesn’t really feel like Deadline Day until these two are on our screens.

Tottenham are reportedly in ‘advanced talks’ to sign Dele Alli — the 18-year-old MK Dons midfielder.

He has made over 60 first-team appearances already, and has been dubbed the ‘next Steven Gerrard’.

Here he is putting in an assured display against no less than Manchester United earlier in the season.

Juan Cuadrado has already given his first interview to Chelsea TV.

He calls himself a “quick and positive player”.

It’s a busy day at Old Trafford, at least in terms of sales…

Sky are reporting that Aaron Lennon has turned down Stoke in favour of Everton.

Looks like Adebayor won’t be going to West Ham then…

Meanwhile, it’s being reported that Anders Lindegaard will stay at Man United despite the signing of Victor Valdes.

In possibly the least exciting development of Deadline Day so far, Carlton Cole looks set to sign for West Brom.

Some news from Scotland for a change…

Dundee United’s Gary Mackay-Steven and Stuart Armstrong are set to sign for Celtic in a deal worth more than £2million, while Rangers are on the verge of sealing a loan transfer for Newcastle’s Northern Ireland international Shane Ferguson.

Mohamed Salah has finally sealed his loan deal from Chelsea to Fiorentina, it seems.

He only signed for the Londoners in the last January transfer window.

Aston Villa are reportedly in talks to sign Rickie Lambert.

Liverpool fans, would you be happy to see the striker leave?

Norwich’s Martin Olsson is set to join West Brom, while Etienne Capoue is understood to have turned down a move to the Baggies.

Meanwhile, speaking of Spurs, that Dele Alli deal is set to cost around £5million, and the club will loan him back straight to MK Dons for the remainder of the season.

Looks like the transfer of Ireland’s Eoin Doyle to Cardiff is a done deal.

Substitution in the Sky studios as Phil Thompson and Matt Le Tissier are set to be replaced by Niall Quinn and Paul Merson for the final stretch.

Sky, seemingly acknowledging the lack of transfer activity, have undoubtedly favoured analysis over reporting more so than any other year in recent memory.

Another Northern Ireland international on the move, while Rickie Lambert’s move to Villa is understood to be moving closer.

Ever wondered how so many post-Deadline deals get done?

Rickie Lambert’s proposed move to Aston Villa is off, according to ‘Sky Sources’.

Apparently, Liverpool are now ‘closed for business’.

It wouldn’t be Deadline Day without a dramatic late swoop from everybody’s favourite car window merchant.

Unsurprisingly therefore, West Ham United winger Matt Jarvis could be on his way to QPR.

Having cancelled his contract at New York Red Bulls, Tim Cahill is now on his way to Didier Drogba’s former club, Shanghai Shenhua, according to ESPN.

Clearly, they were impressed with his recent efforts at the Asian Cup.
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Benoit Assou-Ekotto has had his contract cancelled by Tottenham.

Maybe now he’ll have more time to do things like this…

Darren Fletcher could finally be set to leave Man United for West Brom.

That’s a big coup for Tony Pulis if it does transpire.

Here he is arriving at the ground earlier.

There’s ‘Arry again, minus the car window as promised…

He has no news to report, saying that it’s been a “difficult day”.

Plenty of people suggesting that Emmanuel Adebayor could still leave Tottenham for West Ham, after rejecting a move to QPR.

Sky Sports now replaying the Harry Redknapp interview from 20 minutes ago, in which he basically said nothing.

As Blur once sang, this is a low.

This looks like an Adebayor reference.

That Thomas Ince transfer to Derby has now been confirmed.

Some Irish player transfer news…

Eoin Doyle’s move to Cardiff is also expected to be officially confirmed shortly.

Another Keith Andrews-related development.

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Wilfried Zaha’s unmemorable Man United stint ends, as he re-joins Crystal Palace on a permanent deal.

Less than half an hour until the Transfer Window ‘slams shut,’ as SSN seem particularly fond of saying.

Done deal!

Zaha cites “game time” as the main reason for his move to Crystal Palace and adds that the “trust” Alan Pardew has in him was also a factor.

Controversial!

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It’s been a bad day for West Ham if owner David Sullivan’s son is to be believed.

The Transfer Window has closed*

*Cue: the announcement of lots more post-11pm transfers (deals can still be done up until 11pm).

United confirm another late deal.

A late hitch to the Carlton Cole-to-West Brom transfer constitutes drama apparently.

Ireland’s Eoin Doyle has officially joined Cardiff.

Delle Ali’s move to Tottenham is the latest deal to be confirmed. He’s signed a five-and-a-half year contract.

He’ll be loaned back to MK Dons until the end of the season.

And here’s some photographic evidence of that aforementioned signing.

Irish striker Eoin Doyle’s move to Cardiff has been confirmed. Read more here.

More Irish-player-related news involving Michael Duffy and Paul O’Connell’s cousin, Eoghan, can be found here.

Man United did actually sign a player today, you know?

Here’s the full report on that Aaron Lennon story.

Right, that’s all from me.

Thanks for reading and commenting. Until the next Deadline Day…