Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport Falcao is a Chelsea target reportedly.
# Ins and outs
The Departures Lounge: your daily lunchtime transfer round-up
Plus, find out what Ashley Cole’s been up to in LA.

WHY IS NEYMAR not going to be joining Chelsea anytime soon? Financial reasons? Differing ambitions? A Carlos Tevez-style distaste for English life?

No, according to Pelé, Neymar won’t be moving to Chelsea, or any English club for that matter, because the Premier League is too rough for him. Perhaps the Brazilian was put off by Britain, following the less-than-warm reception he received playing against Scotland in a recent friendly recently.

And back to Tevez, Inter won’t be signing him apparently, with the Italian club suggesting his wages of £150,000-a-week – relatively little in comparison to teammate Yaya Toure – are somewhat inordinate. And the winner of the stating-the-bleeding-obvious award is….

Connor ‘perenially-linked-with-bigger-clubs-than-Ipswich’ Wickham may have to settle for a move to Sunderland, as Liverpool and Arsenal have yet to put any offers on the table.

Man City will continue their policy of blowing lots of money on expensive full-backs, as they bid £20m on Lyon player Aly Cissokho. Why not just give it to charity instead, rather than wasting it on yet another player who will more than likely flop?

In a bafflling move, Tottenham will look to solve their goalscoring problem by investing in Aletico Madrid’s Diego ‘could barely score to save his life at United’ Forlan for £7m. Surely this is simply a bad joke.

In addition, Andre Villas-Boas will raid former club Porto for Falcao and João Moutinho, with a fee that has been revealed to £62m. Porto didn’t go the entire season unbeaten for nothing I suppose.

Finally, there isn’t much more interesting news to report, but in the most uninteresting tabloid story of the day, LA residents have complained about the state of Ashley Cole’s rubbish bin. Cue: lots of terrible puns about Cole being rubbish etc.

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