A SHORT SPIN from the Mediterranean coast in the south of France, the town of Béziers is a happy place for Jamie Hagan.
He’s into his seventh season with the French Pro D2 club. He’s married to long-time partner Sinead and they have one child, another on the way. Rugby is enjoyable, life is good. Ex-Leinster, Connacht, and Ireland prop Hagan appreciates it all the more because things haven’t always been so smooth.
On today’s episode of The42 Rugby Weekly Extra - a podcast available to members of The42 every Monday and Wednesday – Hagan spoke with disarming honesty about the dark time he lived through while playing for the Melbourne Rebels in 2016.
After a positive start with the Super Rugby side, Hagan was rocked when Sinead fell ill and was diagnosed with a tumour in her neck. Doctors couldn’t do a biopsy on it initially so there was major uncertainty. The stress and strain of it all had a huge impact on Hagan’s mental health and he fell into a troubled spell.
He bottled his feelings up, kept the struggles to himself. Rebels boss Tony McGahan, his coaches, and the players didn’t have a clue what was going on.
“It was a tough experience,” said 35-year-old Hagan on The42 Rugby Weekly Extra.
“Looking back on it now, it’s sort of easier to say that it was tough. At the time, you’re trying to put on a brave face and say it was OK but looking back, it was very scary.
“I was shutting myself off from people, from the coaching staff and players. I wish I could shake my younger self and tell him to speak to people. The doctor tried to tell me to speak to coaches and players but I was like, ‘No, it’s going to be fine.’ I was putting my head in the sand.
“I was doing that for my wife but it probably wasn’t the best thing for me personally and professionally. It sort of all fell to pieces in the end, the pressure of playing and I got injured. It was my back which is apparently a sign of stress.
“In the end, it got to a point where I broke down so much that I had to tell the coaches. At that point, it was too late. Over time, I lost the trust of Tony and the playing group. It was a very dark time in my career, a very dark time in my life.”
Happily, Sinead eventually got operated on and there was intense relief as doctors told her the tumour was benign. But Hagan was pretty much set on retirement from rugby at that stage, having been let go by the Rebels.
“I had stopped playing for maybe a month then came back for the last two games of the season but I was on the bench. Then at the end of the season, the coaches are sort of like, ‘Well’ and there’s a mutual understanding that you weren’t going to come back the following year.
“It was a hard pill to swallow. I was contemplating retiring. It was a tough time in my life. I’m glad that my wife got over it, that I got over it.
“My wife is perfect now. We’re blessed we got through that period of our lives unscathed. Things could have been so much worse. Rugby is just a game, a job is just a job. You’re talking about my wife now, her life.”
Hagan didn’t feel comfortable sharing his struggles with the Rebels because he had become accustomed to burying his feelings. He believes rugby has made progress in this regard but also feels there are still players who hide mental health issues.
“I think there was a stigma around it,” said Hagan. “I had some hard-nosed coaches in my time and I don’t think there was an understanding of that when I was growing up, it was just hide your feelings.
“The Tackle Your Feelings campaign came out after that but when I started, there was nothing around it. It was also how I was brought up, how I was raised as a man – and it’s so stupid when you say it now – how as a man you sort of bury your feelings down or just say you’re going to be fine.
“I still see it with some younger players who I know have issues and they don’t want to talk about it. It’s a man thing. It’s the worst thing you can do. Stress and anxiety like that come out in other ways you can’t control – whether it’s injury, not sleeping, turning to alcohol, which I did a little bit in Melbourne.
“I was probably drinking four or five bottles a night then trying to go in and train. I just thought, ‘Ah it’s grand to have a couple of bottles’, but you’re going in wrecked. Without even realising it, you can go into that default mode.”
Hagan stressed that people who judge rugby players from the outside need to stop and consider that the players may be dealing with challenges in their lives away from the game.
“We’re human beings before rugby players,” said Hagan.
“With online stuff now, you go on Twitter if you’ve had a bad performance and especially if you’re with Leinster, Munster, Ireland, there’s a lot of keyboard warriors out there that have no understanding that what they say can affect somebody.
“It can affect somebody to the point where they could have really bad thoughts. For a rugby match, for a game. People get so into it that they lose sight of that. Behind it all, that pressure of performing at the highest level, you’re a human being.
“Human beings make mistakes.”
To get access to The42 Rugby Weekly Extra, which comes out every Monday with Gavan Casey, Bernard Jackman, and Murray Kinsella, as well as every Wednesday with Eoin Toolan, become a member of The42 at members.the42.ie.
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If you need to talk, contact:
- Pieta House 1800 247 247 (suicide, self-harm; 24/7 support)
- Samaritans 116 123
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
- Teen-Line Ireland 1800 833 634 (for ages 13 to 19)
- Childline 1800 66 66 66 (for under 18s)
