IT’S NOT COMMON for a 29-year-old rugby player to release an autobiography when their career is still thundering along happily. Even a player as decorated and high-achieving as Andrew Porter.
But then, neither is it common for a rugby autobiography to include so little detail about rugby.
Porter’s new book, Heart on my Sleeve, doesn’t involve the play-by-play accounts of games that are commonplace in sporting autobiographies.
He has a different story, one that revolves around the grief of losing his mother, Wendy, to breast cancer when he was 12. Porter’s account of his life since is incredibly honest.
He holds nothing back in discussing things like the eating disorder he developed after his mother’s death, the time he considered taking his life at the age of 14, his ADHD, and the two miscarriages that his wife, Elaine, had before the birth of their son, Max.
There is obviously rugby in the book too, but sitting in a Dublin city-centre hotel for a chat this week, Porter laughed as he recounted how author Alison Walsh, with whom he wrote the book, had to push him to include more about his career with Leinster and Ireland, all the high-profile stuff he is known for.
When the publisher, Eriu, initially approached Porter about doing a book, he shot the idea down. But they persisted. Porter’s appearance on the Netflix show Full Contact, in which he discussed his mother’s passing, had resonated with lots of people. They believed that an in-depth account of his life might help others.
Porter had already received lots of feedback to that effect after the Netflix show, which helped in Eiru eventually convincing him. And if he was going to do it, Porter felt he had to go all-in.
“I decided to be as authentic as I could and for it to be a tell-all story of my earlier life,” said Porter. “That’s why I tried not to make it a very rugby-centred book.
“I wanted it to be accessible because obviously everyone’s going through their own kind of shit in their daily lives, going through their own mental hardships, whether it’s something small or something big. I wanted it to be a helpful tool that people can resonate with, can find a bit of solace, a bit of peace in the fact that they’re not on their own, that it’s not just them going through it.
“It can be such an isolating thing, mental struggle. You feel like you’re on your own. That’s exactly how I felt when I was going through those tough years.
“I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want it to be a pity party, but I just wanted to be as authentic as I could and tell it how it was and how I navigated through it and how, I suppose, I came out the other side.”
Porter with his wife, Elaine, during the 2023 World Cup. Dan Sheridan / INPHO
Dan Sheridan / INPHO / INPHO
Porter was so true to his story that there are parts of the book he had never discussed with his own family.
Richie Sadlier, the former Ireland football international and now psychotherapist, also helped Porter with the autobiography, for which he provided the foreword. Speaking with Sadlier drew things out of Porter that he hadn’t thought about in a long time, like that time he considered taking his own life as a 14-year-old.
“Richie was able to ask me things in a way that tapped into a memory that I completely shut off or forgot about,” said Porter.
“It was strange because I’d never thought about that in years and the fact that he just worded something in a certain way just triggered something in my mind.
“It was things like that that I’d never… that I forgot about myself, so I hadn’t told my family. I suppose I hadn’t told them because it was so long ago and I’d come so far from that person. I felt I didn’t need to bring it up because it was in the past.
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“So much time has gone by that you’re just like, it’s a bit awkward if I tell them now. ‘Am I digging up the past for the sake of it here if I just tell them out of the blue?’
“But the fact that it’s written in the book, obviously, you have to bring it to them before. I didn’t want them to just be reading about it in the book for the first time… and it was incredibly tough bringing that back up again.”
Indeed, it was so hard to do in person that Porter initially sent a first draft of the book to his father, Ernie, and two sisters, Leigh and Erica, in an email with a note saying that there were things that they needed to discuss.
But, as ever, Porter only got full support and encouragement from his dad and sisters, as well as from Elaine, who has been instrumental in his being so open in public.
Among the most moving chapters in the book is the one entitled ‘Father and Son,’ which focuses on the aforementioned Ernie, the biggest role model in his son’s life.
The chapter is a loving tribute to the man who managed to keep everything together when the Porter family had been dealt the trauma of losing Wendy. It’s clear that Ernie was a rock for his three children in the years of grief that followed.
“When we lost mum, he was going through his own things, and he had to support three young kids,” said Porter.
“He had no choice but to just get on with things and be the best father he could be in terms of supporting us.”
Andrew and Ernie Porter. James Crombie / INPHO
James Crombie / INPHO / INPHO
As the autobiography recounts, Ernie was aware of the struggles his son was dealing with, and he had the foresight to bring Andrew to see a therapist during those darker days.
“At that time, especially, I don’t think many dads would have done that,” said Porter. “I suppose his generation might have thought mental health isn’t a big thing at all, it was just like, ‘Strap your boots up and get on with it.’
“To have that kind of mindset that he could see everything that was going on, and the depths of how bad it was… to have that kind of support and care, he is someone who got me out of the situation.”
It’s clear in the book how their shared love of rugby kept Porter and his father close when there were periods in which it felt like things might spiral out of control.
Porter loves how much enjoyment his dad gets from being part of his rugby career, with the regular trips to see Leinster and Ireland play. No matter where the game is, Porter always manages to pick out Ernie in the crowd, wearing either his blue or white jacket.
The pair of them have had more chats about Andrew’s teenage years, and how Ernie managed to get through that time himself, since he went through the process of writing this book. They’ve learned a lot sitting over a few pints and discussing tough times.
Ernie remains Andrew’s inspiration.
“I’ve got my family, Elaine, Max, I’ve got everything I could want,” said Porter.
“I always wanted to emulate my dad in terms of how he raised us. He was an incredibly hard worker, never complained about a shit day at work, and just got on with things. He was the backbone of the family. He was always there.”
Porter said his Leinster and Ireland team-mates have also been very supportive of his openness.
“It’s not like I was ashamed or afraid of my team-mates knowing all this stuff about me,” he said.
“You’re training with these guys every day, they’re your best mates, they’re my other support network.
“It’s become more open in that environment, where people are more inclined and more comfortable to share their past, share their kind of mental struggles.
Porter pictured during the 2025 Lions tour. Dan Sheridan / INPHO
Dan Sheridan / INPHO / INPHO
“We all want to perform and push the team on and win. That’s obviously our main goal, but it works so much better when you know someone on a deeper level, and you have that element of trust.
“Andy [Farrell] has been really good around that.”
Which brings us around to rugby, which was a lifeline for Porter during his most difficult times and which remains such a massive part of his world now.
He will make his first appearance of the season for Leinster today against Munster at Croke Park, launching the latest chapter of a career that has involved two Grand Slams, another Six Nations title, a Champions Cup success, and five Pro14/URC trophies so far.
But his career has also caused him plenty of pain and angst. The agonising 2023 World Cup experience is a notable part of the book. Ireland thought they could win it, but instead exited in the quarter-finals with a narrow defeat to New Zealand. Porter hit a serious low in the wake of that tournament. There have been crushing defeats with Leinster too.
It leaves you wondering if he feels fulfilled by his rugby career at this point.
Porter said he’s grateful for what he has achieved so far and where his hard work has got him. He can reflect on some truly special days in blue and green.
“But obviously, there’s been so many misses in the past, so there’s still a lot of… I suppose, unfinished business,” said Porter.
“Fulfilment is something you’re always chasing. Not just as a rugby player, but any kind of athlete or any kind of person who’s got a clear goal. Fulfilment is something that’s never satisfied.”
That much might be true about his rugby career but off the pitch, Porter can be satisfied with and proud of where he finds himself.
He and his family came through the toughest of times to remain loving and supportive of each other.
And now Porter has a happy family of his own. That’s a story that was worth telling.
Heart on my Sleeve: My story of struggle and strength by Andrew Porter, published by Eriu, is out now.
__________
If you have been affected by any of the issues mentioned in this article, you can reach out for support through the following helplines. These organisations also put people in touch with long-term supports:
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'When we lost mum, my dad had to support three young kids'
IT’S NOT COMMON for a 29-year-old rugby player to release an autobiography when their career is still thundering along happily. Even a player as decorated and high-achieving as Andrew Porter.
But then, neither is it common for a rugby autobiography to include so little detail about rugby.
Porter’s new book, Heart on my Sleeve, doesn’t involve the play-by-play accounts of games that are commonplace in sporting autobiographies.
He has a different story, one that revolves around the grief of losing his mother, Wendy, to breast cancer when he was 12. Porter’s account of his life since is incredibly honest.
He holds nothing back in discussing things like the eating disorder he developed after his mother’s death, the time he considered taking his life at the age of 14, his ADHD, and the two miscarriages that his wife, Elaine, had before the birth of their son, Max.
There is obviously rugby in the book too, but sitting in a Dublin city-centre hotel for a chat this week, Porter laughed as he recounted how author Alison Walsh, with whom he wrote the book, had to push him to include more about his career with Leinster and Ireland, all the high-profile stuff he is known for.
When the publisher, Eriu, initially approached Porter about doing a book, he shot the idea down. But they persisted. Porter’s appearance on the Netflix show Full Contact, in which he discussed his mother’s passing, had resonated with lots of people. They believed that an in-depth account of his life might help others.
Porter had already received lots of feedback to that effect after the Netflix show, which helped in Eiru eventually convincing him. And if he was going to do it, Porter felt he had to go all-in.
“I decided to be as authentic as I could and for it to be a tell-all story of my earlier life,” said Porter. “That’s why I tried not to make it a very rugby-centred book.
“I wanted it to be accessible because obviously everyone’s going through their own kind of shit in their daily lives, going through their own mental hardships, whether it’s something small or something big. I wanted it to be a helpful tool that people can resonate with, can find a bit of solace, a bit of peace in the fact that they’re not on their own, that it’s not just them going through it.
“It can be such an isolating thing, mental struggle. You feel like you’re on your own. That’s exactly how I felt when I was going through those tough years.
“I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want it to be a pity party, but I just wanted to be as authentic as I could and tell it how it was and how I navigated through it and how, I suppose, I came out the other side.”
Porter was so true to his story that there are parts of the book he had never discussed with his own family.
Richie Sadlier, the former Ireland football international and now psychotherapist, also helped Porter with the autobiography, for which he provided the foreword. Speaking with Sadlier drew things out of Porter that he hadn’t thought about in a long time, like that time he considered taking his own life as a 14-year-old.
“Richie was able to ask me things in a way that tapped into a memory that I completely shut off or forgot about,” said Porter.
“It was strange because I’d never thought about that in years and the fact that he just worded something in a certain way just triggered something in my mind.
“It was things like that that I’d never… that I forgot about myself, so I hadn’t told my family. I suppose I hadn’t told them because it was so long ago and I’d come so far from that person. I felt I didn’t need to bring it up because it was in the past.
“So much time has gone by that you’re just like, it’s a bit awkward if I tell them now. ‘Am I digging up the past for the sake of it here if I just tell them out of the blue?’
“But the fact that it’s written in the book, obviously, you have to bring it to them before. I didn’t want them to just be reading about it in the book for the first time… and it was incredibly tough bringing that back up again.”
Indeed, it was so hard to do in person that Porter initially sent a first draft of the book to his father, Ernie, and two sisters, Leigh and Erica, in an email with a note saying that there were things that they needed to discuss.
But, as ever, Porter only got full support and encouragement from his dad and sisters, as well as from Elaine, who has been instrumental in his being so open in public.
Among the most moving chapters in the book is the one entitled ‘Father and Son,’ which focuses on the aforementioned Ernie, the biggest role model in his son’s life.
The chapter is a loving tribute to the man who managed to keep everything together when the Porter family had been dealt the trauma of losing Wendy. It’s clear that Ernie was a rock for his three children in the years of grief that followed.
“When we lost mum, he was going through his own things, and he had to support three young kids,” said Porter.
“He had no choice but to just get on with things and be the best father he could be in terms of supporting us.”
As the autobiography recounts, Ernie was aware of the struggles his son was dealing with, and he had the foresight to bring Andrew to see a therapist during those darker days.
“At that time, especially, I don’t think many dads would have done that,” said Porter. “I suppose his generation might have thought mental health isn’t a big thing at all, it was just like, ‘Strap your boots up and get on with it.’
“To have that kind of mindset that he could see everything that was going on, and the depths of how bad it was… to have that kind of support and care, he is someone who got me out of the situation.”
It’s clear in the book how their shared love of rugby kept Porter and his father close when there were periods in which it felt like things might spiral out of control.
Porter loves how much enjoyment his dad gets from being part of his rugby career, with the regular trips to see Leinster and Ireland play. No matter where the game is, Porter always manages to pick out Ernie in the crowd, wearing either his blue or white jacket.
The pair of them have had more chats about Andrew’s teenage years, and how Ernie managed to get through that time himself, since he went through the process of writing this book. They’ve learned a lot sitting over a few pints and discussing tough times.
Ernie remains Andrew’s inspiration.
“I’ve got my family, Elaine, Max, I’ve got everything I could want,” said Porter.
“I always wanted to emulate my dad in terms of how he raised us. He was an incredibly hard worker, never complained about a shit day at work, and just got on with things. He was the backbone of the family. He was always there.”
Porter said his Leinster and Ireland team-mates have also been very supportive of his openness.
“It’s not like I was ashamed or afraid of my team-mates knowing all this stuff about me,” he said.
“You’re training with these guys every day, they’re your best mates, they’re my other support network.
“It’s become more open in that environment, where people are more inclined and more comfortable to share their past, share their kind of mental struggles.
“We all want to perform and push the team on and win. That’s obviously our main goal, but it works so much better when you know someone on a deeper level, and you have that element of trust.
“Andy [Farrell] has been really good around that.”
Which brings us around to rugby, which was a lifeline for Porter during his most difficult times and which remains such a massive part of his world now.
He will make his first appearance of the season for Leinster today against Munster at Croke Park, launching the latest chapter of a career that has involved two Grand Slams, another Six Nations title, a Champions Cup success, and five Pro14/URC trophies so far.
But his career has also caused him plenty of pain and angst. The agonising 2023 World Cup experience is a notable part of the book. Ireland thought they could win it, but instead exited in the quarter-finals with a narrow defeat to New Zealand. Porter hit a serious low in the wake of that tournament. There have been crushing defeats with Leinster too.
It leaves you wondering if he feels fulfilled by his rugby career at this point.
Porter said he’s grateful for what he has achieved so far and where his hard work has got him. He can reflect on some truly special days in blue and green.
“But obviously, there’s been so many misses in the past, so there’s still a lot of… I suppose, unfinished business,” said Porter.
“Fulfilment is something you’re always chasing. Not just as a rugby player, but any kind of athlete or any kind of person who’s got a clear goal. Fulfilment is something that’s never satisfied.”
That much might be true about his rugby career but off the pitch, Porter can be satisfied with and proud of where he finds himself.
He and his family came through the toughest of times to remain loving and supportive of each other.
And now Porter has a happy family of his own. That’s a story that was worth telling.
Heart on my Sleeve: My story of struggle and strength by Andrew Porter, published by Eriu, is out now.
__________
If you have been affected by any of the issues mentioned in this article, you can reach out for support through the following helplines. These organisations also put people in touch with long-term supports:
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Andrew Porter Autobiography book Family father Heart on my Sleeve